think, think think...(warning, this is a long post)

I've been thinking about Ghana a lot this week. We've been really busy at work so I've been working A LOT. I mean, I still have to work on Friday and Saturday and I've already got 40 hours. So, what's the deal with all the thinking about Ghana? Well....I'm working a lot but I just don't feel like what I do, makes any difference. I don't mean that I feel unappreciated at work (although, sometimes that's true) I mean I feel like working in catering where most of our clients are drug reps or doctors' offices and our events are almost all for very wealthy people, just feels unimportant. I dunno, I sort of feel like my desire to go to Ghana is a little bit selfish, because I know that I will personally feel more fulfilled. That is not the only reason I want to go to Ghana, it's not even the primary reason. The first and most important reason I want to go is because I feel like God is calling me their. Now I guess I just have to get it together so I can leave ASAP.

The devil is trying to get at me lately....I've had a HARD week at work. Yesterday I ticked someone off so badly that they walked out and didn't tell anyone they were leaving, or why. I didn't know they were mad at me until another co-worker got to work like 5-6 hours later and told me what he had said. He (the guy that walked out) apparently felt like I had been trying to tell him how to do his job, and he didn't appreciate it because he's been cooking a lot longer than I have. Today when I came in, my boss called me aside and told me that I didn't need to feel bad about what happened. They knew I was looking out for the integrity of our food and I wasn't trying to tell anybody how to do their job, I was just saying "hey, this is our recipe, this is the way WE do it for catering." I guess I'm glad that my boss knows that I'm looking out for the interest of their business, but I still kind of feel bad that they guy got so mad at me. What are you supposed to do when someone gets so mad at you that they just walk out, no warning. I had NO IDEA that he was mad and honestly I still really don't know how I made him mad.

Some days I'm really super excited about going back to Ghana.....some days I freak out internally and wonder what in the world I'm getting myself into. Mostly I'm excited. I talked with Connie about it a little the other night. I know that once I get there, I will change, that's a given. Frankly, that kind of scares me a little. Even change for the better is still change and unfamiliar places/situations even good ones, are still unfamiliar. I look at myself now, and wonder if I've changed any since I started college in 2000. I don't feel like I have really, even though I'm sure I must have.

I wonder, on a regular basis what is in store for me in the future. I can't imagine what will happen. When I think about it much, I get really freaked out. Connie asked me how long I was thinking about staying in Ghana.....at least until the end of their school year. And then I said that I thought I could be happy there long-term. I mean, I think I could be as happy there as I am here. and yes, that freaks me out (I'm having a very freaked out week huh?) I am not even sure I can think about it really. And when I get back, what am I going to do? Work in another restaurant...at a relatively dead end job just to pay my bills? Or maybe I'll finally go to culinary school? Or maybe I'll find a job that actually uses my Comm degree? I just can't even fathom what God will lead me to. I get worried that I won't know what God wants me to do or where he wants me to go.

I wonder if I'll ever figure out what my passion in life is. I used to think it was music. For a while now I've been pretty passionate about food/cooking. I've always had a love of travel, not sure if that would be considered a passion though. If it is, I'm not sure how God would use it. Then sometimes I don't think I'm truly passionate about anything. What does it look like to be passionate about something anyway? I rarely get really excited about anything. I'm just not sure about any decision that I make. How do you learn/develop confidence (without failure)?