All journeys have secret destinations, of which the traveler is unaware.

I have learned to be content in whatever circumstance I am. Philippians 4:11b


This time it's personal..

 I have posted some personal things in this blog before, but I usually try not to let it get too deep because frankly, I’m uncomfortable with just anyone being able to see that deep into my mind.  But today, I’m going to share one of my biggest fears....and I just realized it in the last year.

I got married in February.  In April we found our we’re expecting.  Yesterday I found out that it’s a girl.  All of these things are exciting and wonderful things.  In the midst of all these happy occurrences I realized one of my biggest fears.  I am terrified that I will have a child that grows up, like I did, as the “fat kid.”  For some reason the fact that I’m having a girl makes this realization stronger than when I was hoping for a boy.  I think it’s because I’ve seen a lot more overweight little girls than I remember seeing overweight boys.  I don’t know why that is....maybe boys naturally get out and play more...maybe parents make the boys go play more...I don’t know.  But I do know that I grew from the fat kid right into the fat (obese, actually) college student and adult.  I’m 30 years old...and I’ve been fat since I was 8.  It’s sad that I really can’t remember ever not being fat.  

I worked REALLY hard in college and made a significant dent in my weight problem...I lost about 90lbs in about 2 years.  Sixty of those were in the first six months when I got really serious about eating better and exercising.  Once I came to Ghana I didn’t gain any weight....I probably lost some more but since I had started weightlifting it didn’t really show on the scale.  I’m still obese.  I’ve been ashamed of my size/weight nearly my entire life.  I am absolutely terrified that my future children will have this obstacle to face.  I’m afraid that I’ve already put this obstacle in their paths.  I am scared that I won’t know how to make sure they’re eating right and exercising enough.....How could I know when I’m overweight and out-of-shape myself?  

Growing up that way was nothing short of miserable.  Thankfully, I wasn’t a miserable, depressed kid....but I had my days.  There were times when mom would take me to get some new clothes and in the midst of trying things on and finding nothing even remotely fashionable (unless I was a 50 year old woman) I would just start crying.  I got made fun of at school CONSTANTLY.  Children can be really mean and really creative when they want to be.  I’ve always felt like being fat was MY fault and that I’d never overcome it.  

I CAN NOT let this happen to my children.  I want my kids to be healthy, active, happy children.  

I have to be the one to stop this problem for my kids.  I HAVE to overcome it.  I can’t very well lose weight while I’m pregnant.  But after the baby’s born I plan on kicking things into high gear.  I do not want my kids to grow up with a fat, out-of-shape mommy that can’t run and play with them.  The only way for me to ensure that they don’ for me to get into shape and lose weight.  I have to.  They say you should face your fears....but I don’t think that means you have to experience them.  I am facing this fear, admitting that I’m terrified of it.  So what am I going to do about it...

So I’m depending on this for encouragement
“But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.”  Romans 8:37

Now, I know that this verse is talking about persecutions and tribulations that Christians will face for the sake of Christ.  BUT, if He promises that we will conquer those things with His help...what’s a little weight problem to Him?  And my favorite part is that it doesn’t just say we’ll overcome these things or that we’ll get through these doesn’t even just say that we’ll conquer these things.  It says we will OVERWHELMINGLY CONQUER!  I feel like saying Amen!!! when I read that.  

So this is my own personal challenge to myself.  With the help of God, who created everything and has control over every single atom in existence, I can and will conquer this problem.  



Amanda said...

You got this--especially if you are committing this to the Lord. Hang in there. xoxo

megan said...

I know I only know you peripherally, through my mom (jill hollis), but I have to say something. and before I say it, I'll say that I know I have absolutely no idea what you went through or what you go through in and with and for your body.

first, I apologize on behalf of all of those children who made your childhood miserable. second, please be careful about confusing health and weight... our ridiculous american culture has blended the two for far too long. if you are happy and healthy, your children will undoubtedly have a better chance at being happy and healthy.

I know how difficult it can be to stick out because of your physical appearance, how emotionally and mentally scarring. and I know our situations were and are completely different, and I'm not trying to turn the attention to myself in this comment. I just want to validate my opinion: I grew up rail thin, and as a result, my severe scoliosis was incredibly visible. plus a back brace for years... s-curves have never been in style, and I doubt they ever will be. anyway, I just felt really strongly about responding to this post. I happened to click on your blog from amanda's and I only have positive memories of you, from the stories my mom told me, and from the times you visited. and it pained me so much to read your post.

and again, I know I have absolutely no clue what it's like to be in your body, and to feel the way you feel in your body, but I just want to encourage you to find happiness in your skin, whatever shape or size it comes in. I know I'm sounding trite and rambly, but it just rattles me when american women talk about dissatisfaction with their bodies, seemingly because of these ridiculous notions of perfection that are so pervasive in the culture we grew up in. you found someone that loves you completely. trust him. plus your daughter is going to love you more than any human ever has.

sorry if I'm out of line in posting this, I just really felt compelled to respond and I couldn't find your email address anywhere on your blog page.

BAMboozle said...

Megan, I don't feel like you're out of line and I'm not offended by your post at all! I appreciate it! I agree that a person's "size" is not indicative of their health at all! I know this personally because though I'm still very overweight I am a lot healthier than I was when I was say, 10 years younger. I don't want to be skinny or thin. I want to be at a weight where I feel optimally healthy and where I don't have a hard time with things that shouldn't be hard for a 30 year old woman. I had a room mate in college that was "healthy" by the world's standards if you just looked at her. She was a track star and was as you'd put it "rail thin" but she was practically anorexic. Thank you for your post and know that I appreciate it and you for your need to help people realize that weight is not the only way to gauge someone's health!