This time it's personal..

 I have posted some personal things in this blog before, but I usually try not to let it get too deep because frankly, I’m uncomfortable with just anyone being able to see that deep into my mind.  But today, I’m going to share one of my biggest fears....and I just realized it in the last year.

I got married in February.  In April we found our we’re expecting.  Yesterday I found out that it’s a girl.  All of these things are exciting and wonderful things.  In the midst of all these happy occurrences I realized one of my biggest fears.  I am terrified that I will have a child that grows up, like I did, as the “fat kid.”  For some reason the fact that I’m having a girl makes this realization stronger than when I was hoping for a boy.  I think it’s because I’ve seen a lot more overweight little girls than I remember seeing overweight boys.  I don’t know why that is....maybe boys naturally get out and play more...maybe parents make the boys go play more...I don’t know.  But I do know that I grew from the fat kid right into the fat (obese, actually) college student and adult.  I’m 30 years old...and I’ve been fat since I was 8.  It’s sad that I really can’t remember ever not being fat.  

I worked REALLY hard in college and made a significant dent in my weight problem...I lost about 90lbs in about 2 years.  Sixty of those were in the first six months when I got really serious about eating better and exercising.  Once I came to Ghana I didn’t gain any weight....I probably lost some more but since I had started weightlifting it didn’t really show on the scale.  I’m still obese.  I’ve been ashamed of my size/weight nearly my entire life.  I am absolutely terrified that my future children will have this obstacle to face.  I’m afraid that I’ve already put this obstacle in their paths.  I am scared that I won’t know how to make sure they’re eating right and exercising enough.....How could I know when I’m overweight and out-of-shape myself?  

Growing up that way was nothing short of miserable.  Thankfully, I wasn’t a miserable, depressed kid....but I had my days.  There were times when mom would take me to get some new clothes and in the midst of trying things on and finding nothing even remotely fashionable (unless I was a 50 year old woman) I would just start crying.  I got made fun of at school CONSTANTLY.  Children can be really mean and really creative when they want to be.  I’ve always felt like being fat was MY fault and that I’d never overcome it.  

I CAN NOT let this happen to my children.  I want my kids to be healthy, active, happy children.  

I have to be the one to stop this problem for my kids.  I HAVE to overcome it.  I can’t very well lose weight while I’m pregnant.  But after the baby’s born I plan on kicking things into high gear.  I do not want my kids to grow up with a fat, out-of-shape mommy that can’t run and play with them.  The only way for me to ensure that they don’t.....is for me to get into shape and lose weight.  I have to.  They say you should face your fears....but I don’t think that means you have to experience them.  I am facing this fear, admitting that I’m terrified of it.  So what am I going to do about it...

So I’m depending on this for encouragement

“But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.”  Romans 8:37

Now, I know that this verse is talking about persecutions and tribulations that Christians will face for the sake of Christ.  BUT, if He promises that we will conquer those things with His help...what’s a little weight problem to Him?  And my favorite part is that it doesn’t just say we’ll overcome these things or that we’ll get through these things...it doesn’t even just say that we’ll conquer these things.  It says we will OVERWHELMINGLY CONQUER!  I feel like saying Amen!!! when I read that.  

So this is my own personal challenge to myself.  With the help of God, who created everything and has control over every single atom in existence, I can and will conquer this problem.  

Overwhelmingly!

speechless...

So, today I saw the baby for the first time.  I realize that at 7 1/2 months pregnant it's a little late to be seeing the baby for the FIRST time...but I don't live in America..haha.  Anyway....it was amazing to see the baby on that little screen during the ultrasound.  AND I found out that it's a girl!  That's the part where I'm speechless...I don't know why, but I feel like I just have no earthly idea what I'm going to do with a girl.....even though, I'M a girl.  So...there it is....She'll be here sometime early in December.  My original due date is Dec. 14th...during the ultrasound today I noticed the date they gave me is December 3rd...but I've heard from several moms here that the original date is usually more accurate here at least.  I keep thinking ..."wow.....a girl...."