I wish I was better with words....don't get me wrong, I can communicate..I majored in Communication for crying out loud. But my communication abilities are best utilized in a technical aspect. I can write newspaper articles, commercials, advertisements...just about any kind of technical writing or editing; I can do it. But when it comes to creative stuff, not my forte. "What difference does it make?", you might ask....well the fact is all the technical writing in the world is insufficient to tell about my life here in Ghana. I read other people's blogs (more creative people) and I just WISH I could write like that. People don't want to read a newspaper article, checklist of stuff about my life. All the words I can think of are insufficient to describe the joy and sense of fulfillment I get from being here. I just wish I could do justice to how I feel about Ghana with the words I write.
I feel at home here. I don't know how to explain it. I've heard some preaching/teaching lately about how God had purposed us for something before we were ever even born...this is something I've heard before, but after being here it has a new meaning to me. Was it God's plan all along for me to come to Ghana? When I was a little girl getting scared by my brothers and playing outside with no shoes on and catching mice and moles and catterpillars to bring in the house, was HE planning to send me here way back then? When I didn't get into the college I wanted, didn't get accepted into the music department, found out from Campus Christian Fellowship that I LOVED misions.....was HE planning then.....It's crazy to me to think that there's some larger purpose for my life than I know of right now....I guess I know that God has a purpose for everyone's life, but most of the time I feel insufficient to do something for God. Me moving to Ghana and living here and working as a missionary is something I never would have imagined in my life but the fact is....this is where I am. If God has planned (and set in to motion) all the events that got me here; what in the world is HE planning now?! It's kind of fritening to me, to be honest. I like to know what's going on, what's going to happen next. Ask any of my family and friends....I don't like suprises. I like to know when, where, why and how thing are going to go down. Well the problem here is that God, well HE really REALLY likes to surprise people. So God and I, we're kind of at odds sometimes. He wants to surprise me, only I'm not sure I'm ready for whatever surprises he has in store for me. Isn't that STUPID! He wants to give us good gifts and he owns everything in existence so why wouldn't I want Him to surprise me....? Short answer, I don't know. Maybe it's about control. Maybe it's about pride. Whatever it is, I need to get over it.
All my life (as long as I can remember at least) I've had issues with my self-image. I have always felt insufficient. Insuffiently smart. Insufficiently pretty. Insufficiently talented. Insuffcient in just about every way. I'm smart enough to know that all these thoughts of insuffiency are straight from Satan. If someone feels too insufficient to work effectively for God, then they won't do anything. They'll be stagnant. They'll fester. Eventually, they'll die spiritually. Since coming here I've been able to start seeing that I am not insufficient. All the feelings of insufficiency are from years of believing the lies I heard from people. Mean kids at school, mean kids at church (unfortunately) mean total strangers. Sometimes even from family members. Proverbs 23:7 says; "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." So after years of hearing that I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough talented enough....I guess I've started to believe it. The tide is turning though. No one ever tells me that here. Here when people hear me say something negative about myself, they reprimand me for it. They KNOW that you will eventually act out what you belive about yourself. So yeah, I am insufficient, but HIS grace is sufficient for me. I'm unbeliveably thankful for God bringing me here. I LOVE Ghana. I can't imagine being anywhere else. I have no idea whatsoever, what God plans on doing with me next, and that freaks me out a little.....but I know I'm ready for it.