change

"Growth means change & change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown."

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." Anatole

" When the music changes, so does the dance." African proverb

Over the last week or so, I've been thinking a lot about change. Lots of things have got me thinking about it lately. Last weekend I went to a get-together with one of my friends. I only knew a few people there but I was trying to be social and cordial so I was talking with people etc. On drive home we were talking and I mentioned how people think I've changed since getting back from Ghana but I don't see how. She sort of looked at me with this 'are you kidding?' kind of expression. She told me that even though she's not known me that long (about a year) that she can see changes in me. She said I was so much more outgoing and that I carried myself with confidence. No one has ever told me I was confident before...I was shocked.
Then tonight I was watching Hotel Rwanda. It's an amazing movie, if you haven't seen it, rent it, or buy it for $5 at Wal-Mart. Anyway, as I was watching this movie, part of it just got to me. Now, I NEVER cry when I watch a movie. I hardly cry for any reason at all. But there was this one part where the U.N. was taking these nuns to safety but they were refusing to take the Rwandan orphans that the nuns had been caring for. The nuns were just absolutely crushed....All I could think about during that part was 'oh my gosh...what would I do if someone came to BCA & tried to take my kids from me'...I cried a little. I can't imagine what would happen if I was forced by the U.N. to leave knowing that the kids I teach and the people I'm close to there were in immediate danger.
I have a really hard time seeing change in myself. I'm not a good mirror. I'm more like one of those fun-house mirrors. So I can see myself, and I can tell that it is actually me, but the image is very distorted from what reality is.
I think one of the most unsettling things about my going back to Ghana is that I am inevitably changing because of the experience. Not that changing is bad, but it's something that is for the most part beyond my control. I could resist changing, but there's no growth without change. Honestly, I think I'm scared of change. I have gotten totally used to being "who I am." To change that, basically means that I'll have to figure out who I am again. Maybe I don't even know who I am to begin with. My whole life I've seen myself as one way and now I'm beginning to see myself differently. I can't decide what's more difficult; to think that I've been wrong my whole life or to think I'm really changing that much.
I guess I've rambled enough tonight. I guess changing isn't really that scary, but it's a strange feeling, especially when you're not sure you see the changes other people swear they see (in you).
"change is the only constant"