I can take the heat...

it's about time...

2011-11-12T08:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I haven't posted here in a long time. Sorry. I have had lots of ideas in my mind for a new post over the last month or so....but I never got around to posting anything. A lot of things have happened since that last post. I had to make a totally unexpected trip to the States. I had some problems with my visa and making a quick trip to the States was the best way to fix it......for now. I got engaged! Yeah that one is BIG new...haha. If you've known me since before I went to Ghana then this little piece of news might really shock you. But it's true :-D After I decided that I was coming to the States for a visit my mom's brother unexpectedly died. Praise God that I was able to be here (physically here) for my mom during the funeral and such a difficult time for her. The trip here was looooong. I got on a bus in Kumasi around 12:45 on Thursday. We got to Accra around 6:45 or so. My flight was at 10:15 so we figured we had plenty of time. WRONG! The traffic in Accra is amazingly horrible! It is recommended that you get to the airport 2-3 hours before an international flight. In the U.S. I am comfortable with getting there 2 hours before....but in Ghana....I know there can be unexpected delays at the airport so really wanted to get there 3 hours before. That means that I needed to get to the airport by 7:15. Well....I wasn't even at the airport at 8. The taxi driver had to stop and totally turn around 3 or 4 times because the way he was going was at a total standstill because of the traffic. Praise God I got to the airport and thru immigration in time for my flight. As I was going through the last section of immigration they were calling for passengers on my flight to please make their way to the gate. So......11 hours later I land in DC. Go through immigration again and get on a short flight to NC. When I landed at RDU I was greeted by my mom, step-dad, dad, brother and sister-in-law. When we stepped outside my first words were "oh my gosh it's SOOOOO cold!" We went to mom's so I could get a shower then we went to my uncle's funeral. It was so hard seeing my mom and grandma and aunts and cousin hurting so much. It was hard listening to my brother do the ceremony knowing that it was the first funeral he's ever done and that he and our uncle were kind of close when he was younger. It was a cold, rainy, miserable day. So with that I was welcomed back to the U.S for the first time in about a year and a half. I'll post more about the engagement later. This was just a quick, kind of "catching up" post for now.

This is how it is....

2011-09-18T10:32:00.003-04:00

I’ve had to carefully consider my words in this post. I don’t want to offend anyone (especially my family) and I don’t want to come off as whiny, complaining or ungrateful. So this is my “this is how it is” post....here goes;

This is how it is to be a missionary. You leave your family. Your home. You move somewhere far away and are surrounded by unfamiliar things. You (probably) can’t communicate too well with the locals because they speak a different language. You are constantly in uncharted territory. Everything is new and exciting and maybe even a little bit intimidating. At first, you probably call or email a lot. Maybe even every week. Slowly you begin to mentally “unpack.” As you get acclimated to your new surroundings you start to form a new family and a new home. Your circle grows as you make more friends and learn your way around. The frequent communications from you probably start to decrease. This is how it is (for me at least.)

I never was good at keeping in touch with people. When I was in college my mom called me at least once a week. My brothers would occasionally call me just to talk about nothing important and see how I’m doing. I knew that my mom would call.....every week almost without fail. That was how it was.

When I decided to go to Ghana, after much thought and prayer, I was worried that my mom wouldn’t be able to take it very well. I decided to go anyway....she would have to just accept it. The first year I was in Ghana my mom actually ended up meeting someone and they got married when I visited “home” the first summer. This was a blessing for me because now I didn’t worry about mom being alone. It’s been a while...but I think she only called me once or twice that first 9 months. She didn’t have a way to call internationally....3 years later she still doesn’t have a way to call me. I guess calling me isn’t really high on the priority list.

I have been in Ghana nearly 4 years now. I LOVE being in Ghana. I love my friends. I love my students. I feel like the work we’re doing here at the school is of utmost importance. I’m confident that God placed me here. But, sadly, I have to say that I have been disappointed in the efforts made to keep in touch by some of those closest to me. I already admitted that I wasn’t the best at keeping in touch even in the U.S. where communication is ridiculously easy. Here, communication is just more difficult. My internet connection is unreliable. Posted mail takes weeks to get to and from anywhere. My phone is decent now, but it’s only recently that I’ve gotten a phone that is somewhat reliable. But still I feel as if all the responsibility to keep in touch has been put on my shoulders. I try to just say “hey” and find out how people are doing on Facebook. I try to call, especially on holidays and birthdays. I think I’ve called all my family on all their birthdays, or within a day or two, since I’ve been here. I try to just send messages on Facebook or email just to encourage them sometimes. But, why is it all my responsibility? I think I could probably count the number of phone calls I’ve gotten from family since I’ve been here. They are all there, in familiar, comfortable territory. They have each other. Can’t any of them make it their goal to keep in touch with me and encourage me? Everyone says how proud they are of me for coming here. They miss me but they know that the work here is important and not everyone would be willing to leave the comforts of the U.S. to live in Africa. I don’t know....I guess it makes me a little bit sad. People can post all kinds of mindless, pointless things on Facebook or other websites, but they can’t find the time to just send an encouraging note? I feel forgotten. Then, when I say something like this people all start telling me how much they love me and they’ve not forgotten me etc. It’s kind of like when a kid gets in trouble and they’re told to apologize. Yeah, they apologize....but the weren’t going to. It’s like no one encourages me until I make the effort to say that I need encouragement.

If you’re praying for someone that’s far away; If you’re thinking of them....tell them. I know from personal experience that it will be encouraging to them. If you are in their family and they ask you for something small like pictures...can’t you get some prints made and mail them? Can’t you send them a letter or a Christmas card? Ok, I know packages are really expensive to send to Africa.....but honestly, if they were in the States they would be getting Christmas and birthday presents....can’t you use that money to send something small....just to encourage them? This is how it is.

So, I feel invisible sometimes. And yes, it hurts a little sometimes. I used to be really tough....since I’ve been here I’ve softened up a little because I’ve grown and realized that God did not design me to be so tough that nothing affects me. I need encouragement. It would be nice if I felt like I could depend on my family for it. But I don’t know if I can......I feel like they’re all too busy with their own lives to ask me about mine. I’m sure they think about me....but it seems like it’s just a passing thought. Not enough of a thought to get in touch with me.

This is how it is......whether it should be or not.

Tiiiiiiiiime is on my side.....NOT

2011-09-02T13:51:00.000-04:00

It has been said that ‘Time and tide wait for no man.” Time is something that everyone has an equal amount of. No matter how rich or poor you are. No matter where you live or what nationality or race you are. Every single person on the planet has the exact same number of hours in their day. We’re all bound by time. This week I heard some preaching that made me think. It’s not something I’ve never thought of before.....I was just reminded and thought of it again. God does not exist within the realm of time. There is no “time” for God. HE doesn’t have a past or a future. HE just IS. As a human, bound by time and it’s movement....this concept just makes my head spin. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I don’t know if humans even have the capacity to understand what it’s like to exist outside of time. Not only does God exist outside of time....he also exists outside of the confines of physical space. It’s such a mind-blowing thing to think about. God, in His infinite existence, is everywhere, all the time. People wonder where God came from....and the only answer is HE didn’t come from anywhere. HE just IS.

The only way I can even begin to comprehend this concept is to relate it to something I’m more familiar with. My degree is in Audio/Video Production. In this field we have two kinds of editing; linear and non-linear. Basically, linear editing is when you have your master footage and you physically copy using a deck (like a VCR) from it to your edited product. So you have two monitors and two VCRs. As you watch your master footage play you physically copy it from that tape to the edited copy. Once you’ve made a cut you can’t change it back. You have to put them in the right order the first time or start over. The cuts must be in a line, hence the name “linear editing.” In linear editing, timing is everything. You have to pay very close attention to your time-code and you have to get your cuts right down to the individual frames. The other form, non-linear editing, is much simpler. In non-linear editing, it doesn’t matter what order you shot your film, it doesn’t matter what order you put your clips onto your computer. You can take them and shuffle them around and put them in whatever order you want. If you want to take a clip that you just filmed today and put it in front of a clip that you shot 3 weeks ago, you can do that. In non-linear editing you put all your footage onto a computer and use an editing program to arrange your clips and add transitions and so on. If you arrange things one way and decide to change them, you can. It’s basically like copy and paste.

So, this is kind of how I look at God’s existence and my existence. I know it’s so simple and watered down that it doesn’t even begin to fully explain His existence outside of time....but it’s the only way I can understand it. I live in a linear world. I have to live today and then tomorrow. Once today is over, I can’t go back and revisit it, likewise I cannot jump ahead to a future day and live it then come back to the present day. God on the other hand, can be in any day in the history of time whenever He wants to. He can see ahead to the future of time and He can see behind to it’s past simultaneously.

It’s amazing to me. It’s confusing to me. So what does it mean to me? It means that time is a precious resource. It means, that I better make sure I use the time God gives me wisely. The things I should do today, have to be done today. The hours and minutes that tick by will never come back. Some day my time, just like everyone else’s, will run out. When that day comes, I will be held accountable for all the hours and minutes I used here on this earth. I need to remember what it says in Ephesians; “Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil.” Christians need to be aware of the time they use each day. We need to make sure that we’re not wasting the time that God has given us. When I stand before Him at the end of time, I don’t want to regret the time I had on this earth. So, make the most of your time. When you can do something productive for the Kingdom, do it. Don’t waste time. It’s not ours to waste anyway, God gave it to us to use wisely. So let’s be wise.

Night of the living dead....

2011-07-23T17:00:00.000-04:00

I was never one for watching scary movies....My brother however, really REALLY enjoyed scary movies. He, being 12 years older than me, was a teenager in the early 80‘s; the zenith of scary-movie history. In my opinion, some of the scariest movies ever made were born in the 80’s....granted, I was a little kid then...but still; many of the movies that are probably considered “classics” in this genre were spawned during the 80‘s; and they were some of my brother’s favorites. I distinctly remember him having two (not one, but TWO) Nightmare on Elm Street posters in his bedroom..AND a Night of the Living Dead (or maybe it was Return of the Living Dead) poster. I, being 6 years old, was terrified of these posters. TERRIFIED. He also portrayed Michael Meyers (from the original Friday the 13th) for halloween one year....and was, as I recall, frighteningly convincing. He and his best friend even undertook the task of making their own slasher flick one summer.....while they were baby sitting me....I was told to “just stay on the deck for a little while” while they videoed in the woods behind the house. Hearing them pretend to kill each other in the woods was probably what kept me on the deck.

So, what’s the deal, you might be wondering.....Why all this talk about scary movies? Wow, Beth Ann has really gone off the deep end hasn’t she? Talking about zombies and Freddie Krueger and all this crazy stuff...No, I haven’t. You know one thing that most of those movies have in common......In almost all of them, there’s a point in the movie where the villain appears to be dead and then comes back to wreak more havoc on some poor unsuspecting victim/s. There are even whole movies based on the “living dead”...zombies. I was reading my Bible this morning and something I came across made me think of all this.(weird I know) You can find spiritual truths everywhere, yes, even in horror movies.

“For he who has died is freed from sin. “ Romans 6:7

“Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey it’s lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.” Romans 6:11-13

Sometimes I think we forget that we’re dead to our old selves. When we sin, it’s like we’ve become Zombie Christians. That old man of sin is dead, but it’s just like in one of those movies when you think everything is fine the bad guy is dead and then suddenly he jumps out from behind a tree and attacks you. In these scary movies the good guy always has to figure out the way to defeat the villain. Some villains even have special weapons you have to use to defeat them....you know the old cliche’s; Silver bullets kill werewolves, a stake through the heart will kill a vampire etc. Well, Jesus is the weapon that kills the old man of sin.

“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, But the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” II Corinthians 10: 3-5

In all those horror movies, the villain is never just tolerated. He has to be destroyed. We shouldn’t tolerate “zombies” in our spiritual lives either. They have to be annihilated!

If a physically dead person climbed up out of their grave and started walking around harassing people we wouldn’t just accept it and say “oh....that’s just how it is.” “There goes Bob again....just don’t mind him.” When your old, dead, rotten self shows up, don’t accept him or tolerate him either.

“for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.” Romans 8: 13-14

The only way to defeat this villain is to KILL him. Once you’re immersed and your old self is dead and buried, he should stay dead and buried. When you see that zombie coming up, it should shock you. You should wonder how he came up out of the grave and you should do whatever it takes to put him back in his place. The wonderful thing is; God has given us all the tools we need to kill these “zombies.” In horror movies, you can always tell when the villain is around, usually the music will let you know. In your life, if you start to pay attention, you can normally see a pattern to your old self coming up. When I neglect my memory work or my bible reading or (especially) my personal prayer time....that’s when the zombie likes to show up. So...listen to the music. When you see yourself slipping, STOP. Regain your footing and don’t let the zombies come up out of the grave.

Sorry this post was kind of strange.....I told you it came to me when I was reading my Bible and even though it’s a strange illustration, it makes sense. (to me at least) Until next time....

Nyame Nhyira Wo

BAM

2011-06-01T14:46:00.000-04:00

April May Newsletter

2011-05-24T16:54:00.000-04:00

Beauty in the breakdown

2011-01-04T11:24:00.000-05:00

3/1/2011 11:05 P.M. Inspired by KB -C

Beauty in the breakdown

Sometimes I look at things in a strange way. Particularly since moving to Ghana, my view of life has changed. Oftentimes I find that there’s beauty in the breakdown.

The flickering light in the bathroom that refuses to stay on long enough to be of any use at all....off, on, off, on; reminds me that the true light of the world will never go out. The dripping faucet in the same bathroom reminds me that there is a fountain of living water that never runs dry. The family I have now that’s really a mix of people from broken families reminds me that “family” is so much more than biology. The dropped phone calls and unreliable internet access remind me that I communicate with my real Father anytime, anywhere without wondering if He heard me. The frustration of not being able to talk easily to some people because we don’t speak the same language reminds me that there’s never a language barrier with God. The toe that was broken in a fluke accident where it got caught in my sandal strap reminds me that every member of the body is important...even the third toe on your right foot that doesn’t even really have a name.

So many broken, run-down things are around me. Everywhere I look I can see something that is not the way it should be. They’re not really beautiful I suppose, but being able to find the beauty in those kinds of things is necessary in this life. The most beautiful thought of all is that I know that I serve a God who isn’t afraid of a broken-down mess. My God came down to this earth to be born to dirt-poor parents, in a barn. My God became a human and washed the feet of his closest followers. My God touched “gross” sick people and healed them. My God loves to take a broken-down, mess of a person, fix them up and then use them as an example to all the other messy people around them. My God sees my potential (and yours); who I really am, instead of a broken-down mess.

Yeah, there’s beauty in that....

American Idol(atry)

2010-11-03T18:10:00.000-04:00

A big house with a white picket fence. Two car garage complete with two cars. Two perfectly behaved kids and a dog. People work themselves half-to-death trying to reach this standard....known as “living the American Dream.” Keeping up with the Joneses. Who created this standard anyway? You know what I think is sad? The so-called American dream mentions nothing about spiritual life. So you have all these things...you’re living the life. All the perks and benefits of those hours and hours of hard work you put in at the office. But your soul is languishing. You spend all your time and money and effort and thought on building your own little shrine to yourself and all “your hard work” until it’s so big that other people notice it and pat you on the back. “Wow, look at that house! You must be so proud. You must have worked so hard!” Guess what....that house is going to be gone one day. People who make idols will become like them....a house is just a big empty box. We put stuff in it, we live in it....but really it’s just a shell. Put all your blood, sweat and tears into building up that house....what will it do for you? In the end, you’ll be just like that house....empty. The American Dream is really a nightmare....it’s an idol.

Here in Ghana (even more so in other African nations) you can see actual “idols.” Meaning what you would typically envision when you hear the word idol. If you go out to the village you might see an actual carved image or rock, or tree or whatever; that people offer sacrifices to and worship on a regular basis. Now, in the U.S. you’re not going to see people bowing down in front of their cars or their houses....You do however see people investing a significant portion of their time, energy, money and thought into improving their status. They might not physically bow down and worship their house or their job or their car or their hobby....but in their heart it’s the most important thing to them. Sometimes they don’t even realize it. It seems to me that Americans have a hard time recognizing their idols so we think they don’t exist. Americans have idols....they’re just packaged differently than the idols out in the villages of Africa.

Anything that you devote yourself to can become your idol. Even (seemingly) good things can become idols. I bet you know a guy that spends lots of time working in the yard of your church building; mowing the grass, trimming hedges, even doing small repairs and things around the building. That’s great, maintenance needs to be taken care of....but if that same gentleman doesn’t ever do any outreach or personal Bible studies with anyone because he’s done “his part” working in the church...then the maintenance of the church building has become his idol. What’s more important, the stones around the church building or the living stones that God uses to build THE church?

People will never be able to fully submit to God and serve him until they recognize and eliminate the idols in their lives. We have to thoroughly examine our lives. Where do you spend most of your time and your money? What do you spend most of your time doing or thinking about? If our lives are not focused on serving God (even if you’re not working “in ministry”) then we need to seriously reevaluate our priorities. Maybe I’ll post more on this later....but in the meantime, remember, where you heart is, there your treasures will be also.

Nyame Adom

BAM

Fearless...

2010-10-09T10:33:00.000-04:00

“The Lord challenges us to suffer persecutions and to confess him. He wants those who belong to him to be brave and fearless. He himself shows how weakness of the flesh is overcome by courage of the Spirit. This is the testimony of the apostles and in particular of the representative, administrating Spirit. A Christian is fearless.” Tertullian

I really like this quote. It’s a very hard pill to swallow sometimes, but it’s SHOULD be true. Since I’ve been in Ghana I’ve gotten a lot more into the Word and I’ve started to understand some things that I never even realized I didn’t understand. Why are all those stories in the Bible in the first place? There are so many different occasions in the Bible where people displayed extraordinary courage or bravery in the face of certain death and doom. When I was younger I just enjoyed the stories like most children do. What child wouldn’t enjoy hearing such fantastical stories like Jonah, David and Goliath, Daniel and the Lions’ Den and so on? But as a child they felt like “stories” to me...like fairy tails. I know that I was aware that these stories were supposed to be different than other stories like Snow White or Aladdin, but I didn’t really understand until I got older. The stories in the Bible are not fairy tales or myths. They are historical documentation of the most amazing events to ever happen on this earth. David, Goliath, Noah, Joshua, Jonah, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego.....they’re all REAL people. Just like you and I, they were once alive on this earth. They had real families, real jobs, real problems just like we have now. So what made them so extraordinary in the stories that have made them so well known? It was their faith! They were courageous because they really believed that the Bible (at least what they had of it then) was true. They really believed that the Creator of the universe was involved in their lives.

Now think about this.....they didn’t even have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit like Christians today do! We have the potential to have SO much courage. We don’t just have the occasional help of the Holy Spirit in extreme situations...He lives inside of us all the time. The same Sprit that enabled Daniel and his friends to excel in their training, and to withstand being burnt alive in a furnace LIVES inside of me. The same Spirit that enabled Noah to be righteous when literally the whole earth was unrighteous and to build a boat for a flood even though he’d never seen rain, lives inside of me. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead....THAT Spirit LIVES INSIDE of my body!

Now, I don’t know about you, but to me, that thought is very complex. It’s comforting to know that I have this tremendous source of power. It’s also a little frightening. Why? Because, God knows my true potential. So He knows if I’m living up to my potential....It’s also a little frightening because it’s just SO much power. Sometimes it freaks me out to think about what God could use me for if I just totally let go of myself and submitted to HIM in every aspect of my life. Look at Paul, God used him to do amazing things....God also allowed him to suffer extensively. Could I withstand suffering like that? Could I do amazing things like Paul did? I have to believe that I could if I really lived by faith and by the direction of the Holy Spirit. Power can be a scary thing. But the amazing thing is that the power of the Holy Spirit doesn’t have to be scary to us. In fact there should be no fear at all of this power. God loves us and there is no fear in love. The power of the Holy Spirit is to enable us to serve God fully. He gives us the power to do extraordinary things and to have extraordinary faith! What an amazing gift that is!

Nyame Adom (by God's Grace)

BethAnn

Greetings from Ghana!

2010-09-26T11:36:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm finally back in Ghana! I've been back since September 1st. I'm so glad that I got to visit the US this summer and see most of my family and friends. It was a great visit. I'm glad that I got to speak at several different places and share about the work we're doing here in Ghana. I had an adventure getting from Accra to Kumasi. Mr. H sent me an email to tell me that they couldn't come & pick me up so I needed to get a flight from Accra to Kumasi at the airport when I landed...unfortunately I didn't ever get that email. So when I got to the airport I was waiting patiently for someone to pick me up...no one came...To make it a little more complicated, my phone wasn't working (the battery got messed up) so all the calls that Mrs. H made to me never got to me...Finally after about an hour and a half of waiting two guys that I have never met in my life offered to let me use their cell phones to call someone. Mrs. H told me I needed to get the flight that leaves at 4:30 so I ran to the desk and what do you know...it's 4:35 and the flight is taking off (on time?!!! no way) so I had to switch to Plan B. The two guys helped me get my luggage to the taxi stand and I took a taxi to the bus station (after giving the two guys some money, for helping me, that's WHY they were helping anyway...but I was thankful none the less). Got to the bus station and got everything squared away to take the bus. Finally got home around 11:30-11:45 P.M. that night. I was SOOOO thankful to see two of my friends waiting for me at the bus stop! It was a little bit of an adventure traveling like that with no one else to rely on. It helps me to remember that even when things aren't going as planned...God is still in control.

Youth Camp started the following Monday. It was a BLAST!! A whole week of diving into Scripture with 15-19 year olds. Playing games, competing in lots of different competitions, singing and just enjoying the company of friends. The team that I was one of the leaders of actually ended up coming from behind and winning! Everyone was surprised. I'll try to post some pictures soon.
The Monday after Youth Camp we had cleaning day at the school and Tuesday classes started! I have 9 students so far. They're all 7-12 years old. They're great kids and I'm excited to see them grow as the year goes on.

I'm sure there's more I could add here....I've already had Malaria once since I've gotten back....I've eaten lots of Ghanaian foods that I'd never tried before....There have been two new babies born (Chloe Wonder and Jedidiah Akola). Weightlifting is still going on...Life is just going and going right now!

One thing I do want to mention is that the mission is really having a hard time financially right now. A lot of our support has decreased or even stopped in some cases because of the bad economic situation in the US right now. I implore you to please remember that if YOU'RE doing bad financially....imagine how bad it is for missionaries that rely on the gracious donations of faithful Christians to keep going. A lot of people here have been affected by this. If support for the mission drops then the mission has to make really tough decisions about how to best use the money that is coming in. People have had to find new jobs because the mission can't afford to support them anymore...jobs are extremely hard to find here. Please, please consider making a sacrifice to help the work continue here. If 10 people would sacrifice $10 a week then that would be $400 month....in a year that would be nearly $5000! $10 a week is basically like giving up two fast-food meals a week. I hope that people are willing to make a small sacrifice like that so that people here can continue to have the chance for Christian education for their children! I KNOW that any sacrifice that is made to grow the Kingdom will not be a sacrifice made in vain...it will be remembered and repaid in the end!
I hope you're all doing awesome in the Lord!
Nyame Adom (by God's Grace)
BA

home is where the___________ is...

2010-08-21T23:01:00.000-04:00

So, the old saying goes, "home is where the heart is." But I think that home can be a lot of things to a lot of people. There are some things that just make me FEEL at home. So here are some of the things that really make a place feel like home (to me);
>Great friends, no matter where I am, if I have some friends with me, I'm home.
>Family, sometimes family makes me feel at home, but sometimes they make me feel crazy ;-)
>Knowing my way around, a town, a friend's place, a kitchen, if I don't feel lost, I'm at home.
>Hot weather, I don't always like it, but I'm from NC, it's hot there a lot so I'm used to it.
>Sentimental stuff, you know your favorite trinket from childhood, for me it's a stuffed UNC ram that I got when I was about a week old.
>Pictures, now, for some people, pictures make them long for home, but for me, they remind me of the people that I love so I feel more at home when I have pictures of my friends and family.
>Music, I'm very musical so just hearing a few notes of a song can remind me of all wonderful people that I associate with that particular song.
>Food, I love to try food from all different places, but sometimes just digging into one of my favorite foods will make me flash back to the place that food reminds me of.
>A beautiful sunset/rise/starry night sky, anywhere in the world you can see them no matter the locale.
....I'm sure there are more things that would remind me of home if I really put a lot of time into thinking of it....but I'm not going to do that right now. I've realized in the last few years that, for me, home is not so much a physical place as it is a state of mind. I really can feel at home anywhere.
Wherever I am, there I am.
Cape Diem
BA

Mac Attack...

2010-08-21T12:58:00.000-04:00

So, I got a Mac. Finally. I've wanted a Macbook Pro for about 8 years. I wanted one when I was in college because that's what we used for all our editing in class. After some very generous donations, which I've already talked about here, I finally have my Mac. I still kind of can't believe it's really mine. I think it's really cool how I've wanted one for so long, but never could get one and now that I want it to use for the mission I have been able to get it. It's actually a little bit scary. I mean, God provided this laptop for me, through the donations of people I know. That means God is expecting me to use it for HIS purposes. And THAT means I better make some videos for the mission.
I guess I am a little worried that I will make some videos and people will see them and think (or even say to me)..."you mean this is all you can do with that fancy expensive computer?"....I have to keep telling myself that it's the devil planting that thought in my head. I know that I can make good quality pieces. I just need to have confidence in my ability. God must have some confidence in my ability or I suppose he wouldn't have provided the computer would he? I know people are expecting good things now...so maybe I'm feeling a little pressure to produce good stuff. Then again, maybe the pressure is coming from within.
I'm working on transfering files and things from my PC to my Mac....and then I want to re-vamp my newsletter and get a good looking template for it set. Presentation on Sunday at Stoneybrook...excited about that! SB is one of those congregations I think anyone can feel at home in. There are some people there (quite a few actually) that have known me nearly my whole life so I guess I feel closer to SB than to some congregations. I'm excited to tell them about Ghana in part because I know they're excited to hear about Ghana.
I feel like I have lots to get done before I leave for Ghana again. There are some things I need to buy for myself and for others. There are some things I need to get organized, luggage, mailing lists, addresses of friends etc. I have a photo journal on line that I want to get updated and completely squared away so people can look at it before I go. There's at least one trip to the beach planned in there. I would like to see my grandma and brothers again before I go. It feels like the time is flying now....at the beginning of this visit it dragged on day by day...now it seems like the days are just here and gone!
I am really ready to get back to Ghana. I sort of feel bad sometimes because of the people I know, most of them when they travel, they really miss their families and "home." But I can't really say I've missed the US that much. There are some people that I've missed....but not in the way that other people I've observed do. I've never really felt homesick or missed family and friends so much that I wanted to leave Ghana. Maybe it's because I lived alone for a couple of years before I went so I was already used to being away from people somewhat. Maybe God just designed me this way because in His infinite wisdom He knew I'd be in Africa someday and it would be better for me to be one of those kinds of people that can be at home just about anywhere. In all honesty, I feel like Ghana is home. And I feel like NC is home. I know that neither of them is REALLY home...
Planning a post in the near future about "what makes me feel at home"

for the time being...
BAM

Overwhelmed...

2010-08-14T01:21:00.000-04:00

That's what I was last Sunday morning. There was a specific event that caused this feeling...but I'll get to that after some backstory.
When I first got back to the US I sent out a quick update just to let all my friends/supporters know that I was Stateside. In that email I mentioned that I was hoping to try to purchase a new laptop this summer. Not just any laptop, a Macbook Pro. I explained that I want a Mac so that I can start doing some good quality videos for the Mission (I do have a degree in A/V production after all) but that I know Macs are very expensive and if I'm not able to get one, it's just fine.
I was at one of the congregations that I call "home" here in the US last Sunday. For Sunday School I got to hear a great message by Mr. Hammer (from Togo) about how he grew up and how his family got to Togo. In between Sunday School and the Preaching one of the elders from the congregation that I've known since I was a little kid and who was the one that organized a trip to Ghana/Togo 3 years ago that was my first trip, pulled me aside because he wanted to talk to me about something. We went into an old, un-used office and he said "did you get your new computer yet?" I told him I hadn't and he pulled a stack of credit cards out of his pocket and started explaining to me that he'd gotten them through work (freqent traveler points kind of thing) and that each one has $100 on it....there were 11 of them! Then, as if that wasn't enough, he handed me a check to take to the other congregation I call "home" to my forwarding agent. I didn't even look at it because I was too busy telling him how much I appreciate him and how he's the only one that responds to my newsletters and what an awesome, encouraging man of God he is.
O-V-E-R-W-H-E-L-M-E-D
When I sat down next to my mom I was telling her about it, and that I didn't look at the check & she said "give it to me...I'll look at it!" After she looked at it she said, "I think you need to look at this check.." It was a personal check from him for One Thousand Dollars! once again O-V-E-R-W-H-E-L-M-E-D
All during the singing and praying I was just feeling this sense of awe. I even had a hard time singing at one point because I was trying not to cry. God is so awesome....
After the service, a lady that is very supportive of my work in Ghana came up to me and handed me $25....she said "It's not much, but use it to buy yourself something....a splurge." This lady is pretty old...I'm not sure of her age but her husband is 92. She has told me more than once that she always wanted to go to Africa to work as a missionary so she really admires me. They don't have a lot of money, so that twenty-five bucks is probably actually a sacrifice for her. Then a lady, who happens to be the generous elder's daughter and was also on that first trip to Africa with me, handed me a check for $100 and said "use it for your Mac."
O-V-E-R-W-H-E-L-M-E-D
I don't want to say that I can't belive it....because nothing that God does should surprise me...but I was shocked. Unfortunately the generosity of people is surprising sometimes. Living in Ghana and seeing the great poverty there, the real need for things that are NOT luxuries...food, clothing clean water, safe housing...then coming here....sometimes it kind of makes me sad that people are so selfish. But it's people like these 3 (and many many more that I haven't talked about here) that give me hope about America. True Christians are not selfish, they're generous....so I guess it shouldn't surprise me when they are generous to me.
I guess I'm getting a Mac :-) I'm already excited thinking about different types of videos I can shoot for the mission and yes, for fun too.
On a different note;
I'm planning on posting here more regularly. I've been thinking about schedules a lot lately and I think if I actually schedule a blog post on my calendar every 2 weeks then I will do it. I've been terrible about keeping my supporters updated it seems. I'm actually pretty ashamed of it. I feel like I have a responsiblity to let people know what they're supporting and I don't think I've done such a great job this last year. So I'm working on a schedule in my head (to be put on a calendar later). Updates, blog posts, even notes and emails are going to all have a place on it. I know that I have a hard time remembering to keep in touch with people...it's something I'm working on changing. My schedule for the next 3 weeks is going to be busy. Every Sunday and Wednesday starting this Sunday I have a presentation to do about Ghana. I'm nervous and excited about that. I hope I can get the things across in the presentations that God wants me to get across. The important things. I hope my supporters will see that their sacrifice is not in vain and I hope that maybe I'll gain some new support. Well, I gues this post is quite long enough....so I'll end it here. I hope you're doing great by God's Grace
AkoBAM

Consistency...

2010-08-10T22:55:00.000-04:00

Consistent: adjective

1.agreeing or accordant; compatible; not self-contradictory: His views and actions are consistent.

2.constantly adhering to the same principles, course, form, etc.: a consistent opponent.

3.holding firmly together; cohering.

4.Archaic . fixed; firm.

I have been thinking about consistency a lot lately. In almost every facet of life being consistent is the key, as far as I can tell. I know that personally, every time I have tried to change my eating and exercising habits, the only time I saw any real results were the times when I was really consistent. I don’t have any kids, but I’ve interacted with a lot of different kids from a lot of different backgrounds and I can see a clear difference between the kids that have had consistent discipline and those that have not. In just about anything I can think of, prayer, bible reading, memory work, learning to play an instrument ,learning a new language, learning just about anything for that matter…consistency is key. We see in the bible that Jesus and his disciples were noticeably consistent. It was Jesus’ “habit” to go out alone and pray in the early morning or late evening hours. It was the habit of the apostles to go into the temples and synagogues to teach. So why am I thinking about this? Well, I think that consistency is something that humans really struggle with. We get lazy, we get tired of doing the same thing over & over again. But this is something that have to remember is that living a consistent life, a life that is in the footsteps of Christ, is something that we CANNOT get tired of. It’s just something we have to choose to do. So whatever you’re doing…work at it as if working for the Lord! Be consistent in everything for God’s glory. He’s consistent, we should be too.

Fathers Day...

2010-06-20T11:57:00.000-04:00

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6: 4

“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:9

“Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God.” Galatians 4:7

So, today is Fathers’ Day. I have very mixed feelings about this day….earthly fathers are not all what they should be. So for me this day could easily be a reminder of some very unpleasant times in life. Since I’ve come to Ghana I’ve started to realize more and more that it doesn’t really matter what kind of father you have….God is my Father. It is good for children to have Godly, righteous, loving protective fathers that really have their priorities in order. But not all children have this. In fact it is increasingly rare to find kids that have a stable family-life and Godly parents. I’ve learned though, that a less than ideal home life is no excuse for anything.

If you had/have a bad dad, remember that you’re not the only person that has to deal with this problem. BUT also remember that if you’re a Christian then you have been adopted and GOD is your real Father. And HE is the perfect father in every possible use of the word. He will protect you, discipline you, provide for you, comfort you, give you gifts, encourage you….anything you will ever need, He will give you if you ask with the right motive. He will never leave you. He will never let you down.

If you are a father, please remember that the way you treat your wife and your kids really will have a significant impact on them. A father that is too critical or judgmental or argumentative will cause a child to be scared to try anything new for fear of failure. A father that wants to be a “friend” to his kids instead of a parent will most likely have kids that are spoiled, undisciplined brats. So, dads, step up and be the fathers your kids need you to be. Don’t give them everything they want…give them what they need.

Leaving on a jet plane....

2010-05-30T11:47:00.000-04:00

yeah, I know it's not a very original title for a blog about traveling....but I've been busy this week so give me a little grace this time. So, as you can figure out from the title, I'll be traveling this summer. I'm planning on leaving Ghana on July 19th to come to the US for a visit. Then I'm planning on coming back to Ghana before school starts back sometime in mid-September. I havne't been very good in the communication department lately...sorry about that. I had my latest report ready to send out and my computer did something crazy and the whole thing got erased. So I have to redo it from scratch and I haven't had a lot of time to do it yet. I will get it sent out this week though, I promise. Things are going well here though. We're in the 4th quarter of school. 4 of my students moved up to the next class level and I got 3 new students that have never been in an ACE school before. We (my monitors and I) have been busy making sure that they know the rules and all the correct procedures for how we do things in the class room. I hope you're all doing great in the Lord as we are here. can't wait to see you in July and catch up & let you know how things are going here in Kumasi.
In Christ
BA

normalcy

2010-05-04T17:42:00.000-04:00

So, things are pretty normal around here lately for me. I had Malaria about a month ago...but got some medicine pretty fast and was feeling better within a few days. We had a great ladies' retreat where we talked/learned all about time management and being good stewards of the things we have. This is the last week of the quarter for school here so my students are busy working like crazy (some of them at least) to try to get as many PACES completed as they can. I got two new students last week....since the ACE school system is self-paced it doesn't really matter that they're coming into class the last week of the quarter. They're doing ok I think....I have started the process of applying for my Ghana Residency Visa. That means instead of a tourist visa that I have to renew every couple of months (and pay every couple of months) I'll only have to pay once a year. It will probably save a lot of money in the long-run because the last 2 or 3 times I've renewed my visa there has been some sort of problem and I've had to pay the renewal fee AND an overstay fee which is more than the yearly cost of the Residency Visa. So, I'm excited about that. My nephew's 14th birthday was yesterday...I called him to wish him happy b-day and he said he'd been waiting for my call all day...I guess having an aunt that lives in Africa is pretty cool. Anyway, I can't believe he's 14. I was 14 when he was born...he'll be learning how to drive soon! My niece is starting school next fall and my other nephew is going to be 10 in December. They make me feel old sometimes. I'm planning on traveling to the US this summer...I'm in the process of getting my ticket changed so I can be there for my friend Sara's wedding in July. I'm a little excited and a little nervous about going back "home" again this summer....it's complicated. I know that I will miss Ghana A LOT!! I'm at home here now. Well, that's about all I can think of for now so until I see you all again.....
Peace & Love

it's a long post, this is your warning :-)

2010-04-13T12:58:00.000-04:00

Well my 2 weeks of vacation are just about over. We spent a week at the beach just like we did last year. The beach at Axim is amazing…my pictures last year were a lot better. At the beginning of the week I was still feeling kind of crummy from malaria but it only lasted a couple of days into the vacation. I cannot describe how beautiful the place is….you’ll just have to come & see it for yourself…but don’t come during “our” week….then there will be too many people on “our” beach. Haha. I joked that this year it was strange because last time if you saw a white person you knew they were with us…but this year there were LOTS of obrunis there. Everywhere you looked there was a white person. We always have a good time at the beach. I usually spend a lot of time sitting on the beach by myself at night. The beach is just so beautiful at night when no one is around and it’s all quiet….All you can hear is the wind and the waves. The stars are all out and there are millions of little twinkling lights in the sky. So, while other people are sitting in the room watching TV or playing video games, I sit on the beach.

All that sitting on the beach gave me lots of time to think. I think a lot, too much many of my friends say. I’m realizing lately that they might be right. I have a tendency to sit & think about my life so much that I end up worrying about things that I have no control over. I know better than to worry about life. I know that I can’t add a single second to my life by worrying and that in actuality, worrying will shorten your life. So why do I still do it? I don’t know. I have to say though, that I’m a lot better than I used to be. I think living in Ghana has done that for me. Seeing the faith that people around here has helped me to have more faith. I know that God has plans for my future, and I know that they are good plans; plans for prosperity and not for calamity (Jeremiah 29:11) so there’s no need for me to worry about anything.

I sometimes (ok, quite frequently) wonder what people who have known me for a long time would think if they could see me here without me knowing they were watching. A couple of my friends have told me that I have changed significantly since I came to Ghana the first time. I wonder what kinds of changes people have noticed. I think about my future a lot. When I look back over the last 5 years or 10 years even, I never would have thought that this is where I would be right now. But I still think and wonder where I’ll be 5 years from now. God has a way of surprising me. He’s so much more creative and surprising than I think I give Him credit for. Now I know how silly that statement sounds….I mean He’s THE creator….creativity is HIS invention but I think that I, and many others, have a tendency to sort of forget that God is not some gray old man sitting on a cloud just passively watching us go about our day to day existences. He has entrusted us with His most precious creation, The Church, so of course He cares about our lives.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is my own self-image and lack of confidence. For as long as I can remember I’ve hated getting compliments, especially about how I look or some talent I have. I have frequently debated with the person giving the compliment about how undeserving I am of said compliment. I’ve had a revelation here in Ghana. Who do I think I am to turn down a compliment from anyone? God created me to be the person that I am. I am “fearfully and wonderfully” made by the creator of the universe (and so are you by the way) so how can I say that I’m not good enough? As far as confidence goes, I need to remember that I don’t get my confidence from myself. I should be getting my confidence from God. Sure there are things I probably can’t do….but God can do anything and HE is in me! He can and will give me the ability to do anything that He wants me to be able to do. Anyway, that’s my big revelation for now. As usual, life is an adventure, but I’m starting to really enjoy the twists & turns. I know that God won’t let it get out of hand. I don’t know what the future holds and that’s finally ok with me. More than once here I’ve heard the phrase “let God surprise you.” I’ve never liked surprises….but life can be surprising sometimes so I’m getting used to it.
that's all for now....
BAM

insufficient

2010-03-07T16:55:00.000-05:00

I wish I was better with words....don't get me wrong, I can communicate..I majored in Communication for crying out loud. But my communication abilities are best utilized in a technical aspect. I can write newspaper articles, commercials, advertisements...just about any kind of technical writing or editing; I can do it. But when it comes to creative stuff, not my forte. "What difference does it make?", you might ask....well the fact is all the technical writing in the world is insufficient to tell about my life here in Ghana. I read other people's blogs (more creative people) and I just WISH I could write like that. People don't want to read a newspaper article, checklist of stuff about my life. All the words I can think of are insufficient to describe the joy and sense of fulfillment I get from being here. I just wish I could do justice to how I feel about Ghana with the words I write.
I feel at home here. I don't know how to explain it. I've heard some preaching/teaching lately about how God had purposed us for something before we were ever even born...this is something I've heard before, but after being here it has a new meaning to me. Was it God's plan all along for me to come to Ghana? When I was a little girl getting scared by my brothers and playing outside with no shoes on and catching mice and moles and catterpillars to bring in the house, was HE planning to send me here way back then? When I didn't get into the college I wanted, didn't get accepted into the music department, found out from Campus Christian Fellowship that I LOVED misions.....was HE planning then.....It's crazy to me to think that there's some larger purpose for my life than I know of right now....I guess I know that God has a purpose for everyone's life, but most of the time I feel insufficient to do something for God. Me moving to Ghana and living here and working as a missionary is something I never would have imagined in my life but the fact is....this is where I am. If God has planned (and set in to motion) all the events that got me here; what in the world is HE planning now?! It's kind of fritening to me, to be honest. I like to know what's going on, what's going to happen next. Ask any of my family and friends....I don't like suprises. I like to know when, where, why and how thing are going to go down. Well the problem here is that God, well HE really REALLY likes to surprise people. So God and I, we're kind of at odds sometimes. He wants to surprise me, only I'm not sure I'm ready for whatever surprises he has in store for me. Isn't that STUPID! He wants to give us good gifts and he owns everything in existence so why wouldn't I want Him to surprise me....? Short answer, I don't know. Maybe it's about control. Maybe it's about pride. Whatever it is, I need to get over it.
All my life (as long as I can remember at least) I've had issues with my self-image. I have always felt insufficient. Insuffiently smart. Insufficiently pretty. Insufficiently talented. Insuffcient in just about every way. I'm smart enough to know that all these thoughts of insuffiency are straight from Satan. If someone feels too insufficient to work effectively for God, then they won't do anything. They'll be stagnant. They'll fester. Eventually, they'll die spiritually. Since coming here I've been able to start seeing that I am not insufficient. All the feelings of insufficiency are from years of believing the lies I heard from people. Mean kids at school, mean kids at church (unfortunately) mean total strangers. Sometimes even from family members. Proverbs 23:7 says; "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." So after years of hearing that I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough talented enough....I guess I've started to believe it. The tide is turning though. No one ever tells me that here. Here when people hear me say something negative about myself, they reprimand me for it. They KNOW that you will eventually act out what you belive about yourself. So yeah, I am insufficient, but HIS grace is sufficient for me. I'm unbeliveably thankful for God bringing me here. I LOVE Ghana. I can't imagine being anywhere else. I have no idea whatsoever, what God plans on doing with me next, and that freaks me out a little.....but I know I'm ready for it.

that's so Hot!

2010-03-03T11:10:00.000-05:00

99.9 degrees Farenheit. That's what the temperature was here yesterday. And the thermometer is on the porch, in the shade...and the power keeps going off sporadically. Right now for instance it has been off for about 5 minutes. I'm not complaining mind you...I LOVE Ghana and I love being here. Just an observation. I'll probably be posting more regularly again. I bought a wireless modem and it seems to work pretty well so maybe you can keep up with me a little better now.
I have been going to Twi classes once a week for about a month now. (Twi is the language in the area of Ghana where I live) My teacher thinks I'm doing a good job. My friends still laugh every time I say certain phrases....but they claim it's because it's just fun to hear someone white saying somethign in Twi; and not because I'm saying it wrong. I'm not sure if they're telling the whole truth or not ;-) I'm trying to decide if I'm going to come back to the US or stay here this summer. School here won't be out by the time my ticket is scheduled so I'd have to pay to move the date....and I really want to stay here this summer...we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll post some more pictures sometime soon. For now, I love you & miss you all...but dont' expect me back any time soon :-) My friends say I'm Obruni (white) on the outside and Bibini(African) in the inside...I'm an honorary Ghanaian according to them.
In Christ
BAM

Another new year

2010-01-19T12:45:00.000-05:00

Well it's 2010. It feels strange to be able to say "twenty" in the year but that's what it is I guess. Things are going great here. I & Laura (another volunteer) have been in charge of the house because the Hs are traveling in India for another week or so. I have to say that I have so much more appreciation for what they have to deal with sometimes than I did before they left. Sometimes the teenagers in the house can be a challenge.
School is going well. Almost all of my students are back. One of them came back but she has not been here at all this week so I'm not sure what's going on there. I have started taking Twi classes with two other people so hopefully by this time next year I will be able to speak Twi a lot better than I do now. Now I know just enough to get myself laughed at.
They internet has been pretty good lately, I'll post some pictures in the next couple of weeks I think. We've been having a lot of lessons at assembly about goals and setting/reaching goals so I have this long list of goals for the new year. I also have a list (almost finished) of day to day activities to help me achieve those goals. Now before you start thinking that I am just really driven, it was homework for one of our Wednesday evening assemblies. I did it though, which is more than some people can say.
I've been really thinking about my future a lot lately. I don't see myself wanting to leave Ghana anytime soon. I need to figure out a long-term projection or plan for what I want to do...pray for me to have some discernment about that. Thanks.
I love you all and miss most of you ;-)
I'll do a better job of keeping up to date with how things are going here. I'll also do better at putting pictures up on here or facebook. I hope you're all doing awesome in the Lord, I know I am.
Love you
BAM

Merry Christmas!!!

2009-12-26T08:12:00.000-05:00

Hey Everybody. It's been a long time since I posted it seems. I'm doing great! It's been an awesome Christmas and I'm looking forward to New Year's. I hope you're all doing great in the Lord! It's been really hot here lately, in the 90's so it's hard to convince myself that it's actually Christmas sometimes. School is going great! I have a new class with younger students, so it's a bit of a challenge, but it's good for me. I'll try to put some pictures up sometime soon...the internet is getting better these days. Until later.
In Christ
BAM

hey everybody!

2009-10-25T11:14:00.000-04:00

It's been a while, I know. Sorry. I actually got pretty decent wireless access in my room this week so I"m posting an update for once. To those of you that are supposed to be getting my updates, a huge I'm sorry, but my Yahoo email is not acting right lately and I can't send anything so far. I hope you're all doing great! Just to keep you updated, I got immersed two weeks ago. I realized after a lot of thought and prayer that the first time I got "baptized" I was not old enough to understand what I was doing. I'm sure that I understand now and I'm confident that I've made the right decision.
So far in school I have 9 students. One of my students has left the school, I'm not totally sure if it's her decision, or her parents, there's a lot of pressure in Ghana for students to go to government schools, so I'm just not sure. She's still been coming to assembly so hopefully she'll continue to grow in Christ, even in the public school system. Our new Volunteer, Larua got here about a week ago. She seems to be adjusting pretty well to life here. I have been sick this week, probably malaria, even though I didn't get tested, Mr. H thinks that's probably what it was, and after taking the malaria meds I feel better. So I guess I'm officially in the club now, haha. well, my time is running out online so I guess I'll keep it short for now. Please keep praying for the work here, I'm praying for you all.
Love you all
BAM

memories

2009-09-12T12:54:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about memories a lot lately. There are things I've seen and heard and done in my life that I'd rather not remember. I'm sure everybody has things in their lives like that. But, if you could erase those memories, would you? I mean, don't you wish sometimes that you could forget some things...I listened to a podcast this week by Any Stanley called "Defining Moments." So far it's a really good series, but it has made me think of a lot of things. He talks about how everyone has some type of defining moment in their life. I hate that some of the people I know now have these defining moments in their lives that are bad things. I hate that some people's defining moment is tragic. There are people I know that will forever refer to their life as before X event or after X event. Here's another question for you....do you have good memories that you wish you could erase? What?!! Why would you erase good memories? Well, what if you have memories that are good memories, but because of something that happened, those good memories cause you pain? How good do the memories have to be to outweigh the pain they cause?
On a different note, does it make you feel bad/guilty/whatever when you know someone that has experienced a tragedy and you look at then differently because of it? I guess in a way it's almost impossible to not look at people differently when they've experienced some great loss. It's not exactly that you feel sorry for them......I can't explain what I mean really. I wish so much that there was some way to help them forget some of those memories....even if just for a little while. I am so sad when I see them and the happiness and joy they used to have seems gone.....it's like the light they had has gone out. I know that slowly the light will come back, but it's hard to see your friends suffering and have no way to comfort them. I don't expect them to be happy....I certainly wouldn't be, but what do you do to bring happiness to someone that has been just demolished by tragedy? I wish I could share the light I have with them.....I would gladly do so if I could. I don't know what to say, so I just say "I'm praying for you" which is true, but probably feels sort of empty to them, especially since every person they see tells them that.
On yet another note; this is my last weekend in the United States for at least the next school year! I'm flying out on Tuesday to go to Ghana via Detroit then NYC. It's crazy, I know! I almost can't believe that this time next week I'll be back in Ghana again. So if you don't hear from me for a while on here....that's why. If you want to get my email newsletter/updates you can email me at bethann82@gmail.com

it has begun

2009-09-09T01:45:00.000-04:00

This time next week......I will be on plane, on my way to Ghana. That means that my week of craziness has officially begun. I have got SO much to do in the next 7 days that if I think about it I might actually go crazy. ( I know, here are all the jokes about how I'm already crazy....blah blah blah). I have to get my luggage packed. I have to get stuff packed to put in the shipping container that is being sent over to the mission in October. I have to take my cat to where I'm taking him since nobody I know wanted him..which means I have to find the nearest no-kill animal shelter I can. I need to go see my Grandma, she's already mad at me for going back to Ghana in the first place...I better try to arrange some type of peace treaty with her before the week's over. My dad wants to take me out to eat sometime this week...I find this humorous and offensive at the same time, but that's a totally different story. On Monday we're packing the shipping container so I need to be here for that. My mom will probably want me to come & stay at her house for the weekend...My friends all want me to hang out with them....earlier this summer there was talk of a going away party for me...who knows if that will happen. I have things I still need/want to buy to take with me. Some things for me, some for my friends, some for my students. I would like to get a new wireless card for my computer and have it installed....that probably won't happen....but it would be nice. I can't believe I'm leaving in a week. The summer has felt terribly long and ridiculously short all at the same time. I'm stressed a little because I'm not even totally sure how many committed supporters I have...and the email I just sent out a lot of them got returned for a reason that I haven't figured out yet. Just as a side note, why do computer glitches always have codes instead of just giving a reason why something went wrong.....it's annoying to see "this email failed to be delivered because of a permanent error...sorry it didn't work out" at the beginning of an email telling me that most of the 126 people I sent the email to didn't get it. Anyway..as you can see, I'm quickly going crazy(er) so I better just go to bed now....who knows if I'll actually be able to sleep....I'll try to post again before I leave, when I'm not as crazy.

recently....

2009-09-03T21:03:00.004-04:00

Recently I've been having fun playing around with pictures on picnik.com. It has lots of cool tools for photo editing. I wish I could get a version of it that is not online. Anyway, here are my two favorites from this week....don't be shocked, they are actually pictures of yours truly....I particularly like the first picture. Even though it kind of looks like some kind of musician glossy photo or something. I just like the style. The second one was my facebook picture for a couple of days and actually got lots of comments. Who knows....anyway, I'll probably play around with more pictures soon and post more just for fun.

security

2009-08-29T23:19:00.002-04:00

What makes you feel secure? Some very good friends of my left to go to Ethiopia for 10 days and they have entrusted me with the care of their two children. They are going to Ethiopia to meet and bring home a child they are adopting. I took them to the airport today and I've been thinking about this a lot.....they really really trust me. I mean, they basically trust me with the most important things in their lives. If I ponder on it too long I'll probably get really really nervous about this whole thing. But, they feel secure leaving their children with me.
But, we know that there is not true security on this earth. Life is, quite literally, here one minute and gone the next. People that you think will never let you down, will inevitably LET YOU DOWN. They're only human. The perfect job that you love will not always be the perfect job. There is no security in being a mere mortal. Our only security comes through Christ.
"For our citizenship is in Heaven from which we also eagerly wait for a Savior the Lord Jesus Christ; who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of His glory, by the exertion of the power that He has even to subject all things to Himself." Philippians 3: 20-21
How's THAT for security?

Carpe Diem

2009-08-25T14:56:00.002-04:00

I've done a lot of thinking since I've gotten back from Ghana in June. Lots of thinking about taking advantage of every single opportunity and using every second to make in impact on someone. Today has been a difficult day for me. I found out this morning that a couple that I'm very good friends with (I've known the wife since I was 6 yrs old) lost their 4 month old son this morning. These are two people that are awesome parents, amazing Christian friends. I still see them at least every Sunday. Their loss just reminds me of how short life is. Granted, the life of their beautiful boy was so much shorter than anyone would ever have imagined it would be. But all of our lives are short. We are not promised another day, another hour another minute another heartbeat. It is scary to me to think about all the time I waste doing trivial things when there are people that I love and care about that don't know the love of our Creator. Before I was born, my mom lost a baby. Katherine was stillborn. Technically she was dead when she was born, but my mom had a full term pregnancy and normal delivery. I keep thinking, 'I wonder if this is how mom's friends felt when Katherine died.'....Totally helpless, sad, confused. Trying to figure out how to even greet my friends the next time I see them. I thought about writing them a letter, but I have no idea what to say...there are not words to express how I feel and even if there were, it can't even come close to consoling them. We all know that life is short, make the most of it. I don't mean that in the "eat, drink & be merry" kind of way. I mean, since you know that this life is a "vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away" then do things with your time, money, talent etc that are NOT so short-lived. Use this life to make a difference in someone else's life. Tell your family and friends that you love them, SHOW them. There is only one way to give your life meaning.....give it up to the Lord. The things that the Lord will accomplish though someone that is totally devoted to Him, will long outlast these beat up, broken down things we call bodies. These bodies are tents, they are not our permanent residence. Remember that. I do not know how in the world this tragedy works into God's plan for my friends....but I know, somehow, it does. I know that this tragedy has really convicted me to really truly live for today. To use the opportunities I get and to try my hardest to make an impact on someone for the Lord. Please keep my friends in your prayers. Keep all of us in your prayers. We all need prayer, every single day not just when there's a tragedy. We need to pray for each other sincerely. I pray that you all seize the day, every day.

Carpe Diem

change

2009-08-18T23:06:00.004-04:00

"Growth means change & change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown."

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." Anatole

" When the music changes, so does the dance." African proverb

Over the last week or so, I've been thinking a lot about change. Lots of things have got me thinking about it lately. Last weekend I went to a get-together with one of my friends. I only knew a few people there but I was trying to be social and cordial so I was talking with people etc. On drive home we were talking and I mentioned how people think I've changed since getting back from Ghana but I don't see how. She sort of looked at me with this 'are you kidding?' kind of expression. She told me that even though she's not known me that long (about a year) that she can see changes in me. She said I was so much more outgoing and that I carried myself with confidence. No one has ever told me I was confident before...I was shocked.
Then tonight I was watching Hotel Rwanda. It's an amazing movie, if you haven't seen it, rent it, or buy it for $5 at Wal-Mart. Anyway, as I was watching this movie, part of it just got to me. Now, I NEVER cry when I watch a movie. I hardly cry for any reason at all. But there was this one part where the U.N. was taking these nuns to safety but they were refusing to take the Rwandan orphans that the nuns had been caring for. The nuns were just absolutely crushed....All I could think about during that part was 'oh my gosh...what would I do if someone came to BCA & tried to take my kids from me'...I cried a little. I can't imagine what would happen if I was forced by the U.N. to leave knowing that the kids I teach and the people I'm close to there were in immediate danger.
I have a really hard time seeing change in myself. I'm not a good mirror. I'm more like one of those fun-house mirrors. So I can see myself, and I can tell that it is actually me, but the image is very distorted from what reality is.
I think one of the most unsettling things about my going back to Ghana is that I am inevitably changing because of the experience. Not that changing is bad, but it's something that is for the most part beyond my control. I could resist changing, but there's no growth without change. Honestly, I think I'm scared of change. I have gotten totally used to being "who I am." To change that, basically means that I'll have to figure out who I am again. Maybe I don't even know who I am to begin with. My whole life I've seen myself as one way and now I'm beginning to see myself differently. I can't decide what's more difficult; to think that I've been wrong my whole life or to think I'm really changing that much.
I guess I've rambled enough tonight. I guess changing isn't really that scary, but it's a strange feeling, especially when you're not sure you see the changes other people swear they see (in you).
"change is the only constant"

inspiration...

2009-08-16T22:39:00.001-04:00

I have been somewhat inspired by a few blog posts by a couple of my friends....I think I will post something of substance this week....possibly tomorrow...or the next day

Cash Flow....

2009-08-14T23:59:00.002-04:00

man, I mailed a check Friday to pay for my airline tickets....money that was donated to me by a total stranger. Today a minor problem that I had with my laptop became major. When I was in Ghana my laptop got knocked off of a table in my classroom...it was in the case, but still. After that I noticed a crack in the screen housing (the bezel). It had been opening & closing just fine, I was just extra careful to hold the bottom left side of the screen when I opened & closed it. But today, I went to close the lid and it wouldn't close....grrrrr. I think the hinge is even bent now or something like that. According to the Geed Squad guy at Best Buy it will cost between $200-250 to get it fixed & they would have to send it off to Dell. It's not under warranty anymore either so it would all have to be paid for by me, including shipping. I'm leaving in a month to go back to Ghana. Exactly a month....I should be flying out of NC on September 15th. Very exciting stuff......but I have a lot to get done before then. I need to get a list of people that have actually committed to monthly donations for me, so I'll know what to expect. I need to buy some more clothes & school supplies. I need to get my laptop fixed. I need to get someone to adopt my cat. I need to help with the packing & loading of the shipping container we're sending over. I need to get together with my family one last time before I leave the country for Lord knows how long. Etc etc etc.....I've been feeling incredibly un-productive lately....I guess the only remedy for that is to DO something productive...I'll get to work on that in the morning....g'night.

lifestyles of the "rich" and not so famous

2009-08-06T18:13:00.002-04:00

Rich:–adjective
1. having wealth or great possessions; abundantly supplied with resources, means, or funds; wealthy: a rich man; a rich nation.

What makes you feel rich? One of my friends posed this question on her blog today and it has really gotten me thinking. I used to think I was poor. After having lived in Ghana for 7 months and planning on going back I have a different view. I have friends there that get by with very little financially. As an American it's hard to have an accurate perception of what it means to be "rich" or "poor." I am not poor by the standards of most of the world, just by American standards. So I've decided to change my idea of "rich"
19And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19THIS is where i get my perception of what it means to be rich. I have been memorizing Philippians since I was in Ghana and I really want to be able to say that I have "learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am."I can't explain to people here why I feel so drawn to Ghana or why I love being there so much. There are people here (not my close friends) that I'm sure don't understand how I could live without some of the luxuries that I have here in the states. Air-conditioning, cable tv, high-speed internet, just to name a few. But really I barely missed them while I was over there. I miss my friends from Ghana a lot more than I missed any of the luxuries I had in the states. I will never use the word poor in the same way again. Next time you think you're poor, stop and think about what it would be like if you were REALLY poor.

lots do to

2009-08-04T22:22:00.002-04:00

So, I've got lots of stuff to do in the next month or so. I don't think it's so much stuff that I'm going to be really stressed out. I have a presentation about Ghana this weekend. I'm a little nervous about it just because I really don't like having to speak publicly. I emailed the travel agent today about my airline tickets. That's exciting to me. I'm going to try to leave on or around September 15th. I bought a scrapbook today. I've never done scrapbooking, but I figured I could at least put the pictures I get printed on neat looking paper to make it a little more interesting than just a straight photo album.
I was going to post something interesting and thought provoking here tonight, but I just don't have anything that deep to say right now...haha. Sorry if you were ready for something really interesting....maybe next time.

warning....

2009-08-04T11:49:00.003-04:00

I will post something this week, it may be long and slightly introspective (or not?).....this is your warning.

Oh yeah, and there may be more pictures

They say it's your birthday.....

2009-07-30T21:46:00.002-04:00

tomorrow is my birthday....am I really 27 years old? It's crazy! I'm almost 30. My 10 year high school reunion is next year. I can't believe it. I've done so many things in my life so far. I'm getting ready to go back to Ghana in September. Only God knows how long I'll be there this time. I'm definitely planning on staying for the entire school year. But who knows how much longer.....2 years..5 years...it's crazy to think about it. But exciting too. I still have a very hard time calling myself a missionary...but really that's what I'm doing I guess. Working with a missionary school.
I've had 3 strange dreams lately and my high school band director (who died unexpectedly a few years ago) was in all of them.....I don't really think they mean anything....it's just strange to me.
I'm so excited and ready to get back to Ghana that I can't explain it in words. Every time I talk to someone from Ghana or look at the pictures from Ghana I'm just SO ready. I have to get on the ball and get all my mess together. I have so much to do. I have to get my monthly supporters. I have to go speak at a friend's church in Durham. I have to get my ticket ordered and call the guy that's arranging the payment for me. I have to get some stuff that I need/want to take back in the shipping container. I need to go help load the shipping container. So many things to do..ahhhhh. It's ok though, Jehovah Tsur (the Lord is my strength)

disgusted...

2009-07-24T14:34:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I just get disgusted with our high-tech, instant gratification, self-centered society. I was browsing on the internet today and I came across an ad for THIS This whole idea makes me feel a little sick. Someone calls themself a Christian and is actually concerned with giving to their particular congregation but they can't seem to make the time to just go to the bank or write a check sometime before Sunday morning? Seriously? And it gives a receipt...which THIS SITE says people apparently drop into the collection plate so that others don't think they're not giving.....or maybe they even "accidentally" drop it so someone can find it and discover how much they're giving. AHH! things like this make me want to just scream. Are Christians in America really like this? Most of the ones I know personally are definitely not, which is very assuring to me....but the fact that there are people calling themselves Christian that are concerned with outward appearance and with having the most convenient "church going experience" available just makes me sick. Let me just throw this out there...You don't 'go to church'...you ARE THE CHURCH and here's another little tid-bit of info...when you go to assemble together with other Christians, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! or your neighbor, or your friend across the aisle or the preacher or the people singing/playing music etc. IT'S ABOUT GOD! end of story. You really can't inconvenience yourself and go to the bank before Sunday morning assembly or mail a check for your tithe to the office of the congregation? These machines cost $5000 with a $50 a month operation fee. What congregation really thinks that's a better investment than giving that 5 grand to a needy family, or to mission work in the foreign field. I know from living in Ghana that $5000 US dollars would go a loooooong way in Ghana, and I'm sure it would in just about every other underdeveloped country in the world.
When are people going to get it. Come on Christians....grow some backbones. when you see crap like this...don't fall for it. If you think this machine is a good idea, you need to seriously think about stewardship and how everything we have on this earth is given to us by God to make His name known and glorified. You really think a credit card swipe machine in the foyer of your church building glorifies God? I certainly don't...and honestly, if I attended a congregation that seriously considered one of these ridiculous things...I think I'd have to seriously consider finding a new congregation.

thoughts....

2009-07-20T23:00:00.002-04:00

I can't help but think about my decision to go back to Ghana a lot lately. To me, it's really not a big deal. Yet....I wonder if it will hit me someday that I'm leaving what I've known my entire life to go live in a foreign country. When I say it that way, it seems like a big deal, but it's really not to me. There are people that have told me, "oh I could never do what you're doing.." and I always think that it's just because they've never been there...I think to myself that if people had been there, and gotten to know the people I've gotten to know, then everyone would want to go live there. But I dunno, maybe that's not really true. I used to think it was strange that I'm not so much of a homebody because my mom loves being at home and doing things to make wherever she is feel more "like home." Maybe God just designed me this way. Whenever people ask me how long I'm going to stay in Ghana I don't know what to tell them. I have to say something like "until God puts me somewhere else" or something like that. The other day I almost blurted out "forever" but my brain caught it before my mouth let it go. Was that a Freudian slip? Who knows. I try to ask myself how long I am going to stay in Ghana. I honestly have no clue though. Like I said in my last post, a couple of years ago I had no clue that I'd be going back to Ghana for a 3rd time to stay for however long. I certainly can't predict what will happen in this life. I wonder how long it took people that have gone over there short-term and ended up staying, to realize that they were staying there forever. In all fairness, they've all gotten married there so they have something that ties them to Ghana. I don't have that, but I still wonder how long I'll end up there. I bet you get tired of me talking about Ghana all the time don't you? Sorry....it's just on my mind a lot lately. I'm not scared of staying there long-term anymore like I was before. I actually feel more at ease about going back to Ghana that I would feel if I was staying here in the States. I have a purpose there...and I know that the place is not where the purpose comes from but my life feels more meaningful there than it does here. enough for tonight I s'pose

Meant for this....

2009-07-19T22:37:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking lately that maybe I am meant to be in Ghana. After recent donations I've received for my return trip in September I think it's pretty obvious that God wants me there. But I mean further back than that. A few years ago I never would have even dreamed that I was going to be going to Ghana ( I probably didn't even know where it was.) But there are aspects of my personality that just FIT with the whole missionary style of life. Wow, to refer to myself as a "missionary" in writing is really, really weird.
So what do I mean really? I don't even know really. Sometimes I think something is different or special about me and later I realize that everybody was like that. But for the sake of this post, I'll continue. As a child I was never one of those kids that got homesick or cried at sleepovers or camp. I've always been able to just be "at home" wherever I am. I never was a picky eater (obviously) and I'd always try new things even if I didn't think I'd like them. Maybe those are things God put into my personality to get me ready for Ghana. I've never been the kind of person that feels like they need to have lots of "stuff" to be happy. One of my really good friends in Ghana told me I was simple. He meant it as a compliment. He was basically saying that it's obvious to him that I don't care about possessions and having expensive things or a big house or whatever to feel successful. I know people that I don't think could live in Ghana, even in the city where I was. They'd be miserable without hot water for showers and without wireless high-speed internet and without digital cable. I've discovered over the last 7 months, that I don't really need to have any of those things to be happy. Apparently what I needed to be happy was to feel like I was doing something worthwhile. Maybe I'm stretching a little with the thinking way back to my childhood.....but who knows. I can't believe I'm sitting here in NC planning my trip back to Ghana, West Africa and I have no earthly idea how long I'll be there. What if I do actually end up staying there forever? I can't even wrap my brain around that.

issues

2009-07-14T23:35:00.002-04:00

Wow! 3 posts in one day....I know. Sorry
I've been thinking a lot lately. Maybe it's because I'm here in NC at "home" and things are just not the same as they were before I left. Mom's married & lives in a place that is totally unfamiliar to me. I don't really have a place to call my own anymore, even though my friends are awesome & I can stay with them and feel at home. Their houses aren't really MY home. Maybe it's because I'm a little worried about my brother & his family since they're having a hard time right now financially. Maybe I'm worried about people in my family that are spiritually dead. Maybe it's because I've been living in Africa immersed in bible and prayer and memory work and all that stuff. I don't know. I don't think I ever learned how to pray. As I read that, it sounds silly because as we taught the kids at camp this week....prayer is just talking to God. You can basically say anything you want or need to to Him. When I was a kid, the only thing I ever remember learning about prayer was that you do it before you eat, and before you go to bed. And there were even specific prayers for these times. You know the ones, "God is great, God is good let us thank Him for our food. By His hands we all are fed, give us this day our daily bread, Amen" and "Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take (which was usually followed by a list of things I was thankful for.) Don't get me wrong, I think it's fine to teach those prayers to really young kids, to get them into the habit (initially) of prayer on a regular basis....but that's pretty much where my education on prayer ended. Until around the time I got to late High School and college. Prayer is REALLY important....and I still just don't feel that comfortable doing it. I will pray when I'm called on...but I feel awkward when I do. Like I'm fumbling over the words and not making any sense. Or I forget what I was going to say right when it's my turn to speak. How do you get comfortable talking to the creator of the entire universe.....? There are things I don't even talk to my best friends about, and I'm supposed to discuss them with God? I mean, he already knows anyway, but still, sometimes saying something out loud is just really hard. Some people seem so comfortable with prayer. Like they really are just talking to their best friend or dad and they're standing right next to them. I want to be like that. So I'm going to work on it...I'm going to make sure I talk to God more. If you don't mind, could you bring me up every now & then when you talk to Him...thanks.

Tough love

2009-07-14T17:46:00.002-04:00

So, for the last 3 days I've been helping out as a counselor at a Christian camp. This session was for little kids ages 6-8 or so. You know what I've decided.....American kids need some tough love. Man alive! I don't think I've ever seen such whiny, bratty kids in my life. Don't get me wrong, they were sweet too, but some of them seriously needed an attitude check. I think one little girl whined enough for every camper there. I just kept thinking, "man, in Ghana, this kid would get a spanking for whining like that." I'm not saying that every single time a kid whines or gets a bad attitude you should whack 'em. But sometimes a kid needs a spanking. Kids in my age group almost all got spankings when we did something wrong and most of us aren't emotionally scarred from the experience. And in Ghana when a kids gets disciplined when it's over, they have to thank you for it. Because you discipline your kids (even your students) because you love them....so they should be thankful that you love them enough to discipline them. It seems kind of shocking to Americans that we're so "harsh" over there. But in all honesty, kids need discipline and routine. When they know their boundaries they are much better off and so are the adults that care for them. I dunno, just a thought.

Jehovah Jirah

2009-07-14T13:55:00.002-04:00

The Lord Provides! I found out how true this is big-time this weekend. As you all probably know, I'm working on raising support to go back to Ghana in September. I'm pretty confident that I can get the monthly support. If I can get 25 people/groups to commit to giving me $20 a month then I'm set on my monthly support. I wasn't really "worried" about the money for the plane ticket, but I know that it is the hard part because it's such a large amount of money all at once. Well, my friend Brittney called me on Sunday told me that when she did a presentation about her trip to Togo, the people she was talking to said they want to buy my plane ticket to go back to Ghana for me!!!! I sort of didn't believe her at first but she told me it was totally legit. The man called me this weekend to get info about how much the ticket will cost etc. I was at camp so I have to call him back but it's definitely legit. God is so awesome in the way he provides for us. It also just affirms to me that he wants me in Ghana and I'm SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT!!!!
Love ya all
BAM

Yeah this is home....

2009-07-11T23:28:00.003-04:00

now I'm finally where I belong....

you know the song don't you? Many I've been missing Ghana hardcore this week. I've been working on a display table to set up at church so I've been looking at pictures of my friends and students all week. Then today I got 3 (THREE!!) phone calls from Ghana...all in one day. Esther Adolbella called me this morning. I hang out with her a lot, she's the cook at the school and the kitchen is right next to my learning center so I go in there & talk to her a lot. We also walk in the mornings so I see her all the time. She's doing great, helping out at the school for summer school. Then around 5 Emmanuel Ayensu called me. He's one of the guys that graduated this year but we're pretty good friends. He jokes with me all the time. He's actually staying in my room this summer (which I didn't know until today) so he was in my room when he called me, is that a little strange? Then almost immediately after that Richard Sarpong called me. He went to BCA but now he's taking classes for computer software or networking or something like that. He & the two Esthers are my best friends there. I miss them all so much. I can't wait to get back to Ghana.
This morning I spoke to a small group at a prayer breakfast about Ghana. It was a small group, but maybe I'll get some support from it somehow. They all seemed interested while I was talking so that's good. And Lawrence, the guy sort of in charge of the meeting, he said something I've not been able to figure out how to say since I got back. He said something about how I was going back home to Ghana, even though NC was my home....that the Lord had blessed me with two homes here on Earth. I've never been able to come up with those words to describe it but it's the perfect way to say it. Ghana is home...so is NC. Who says you can't call more than one place home?
Home is where you heart is right.....well, mine is there and here at the same time.

....on being a nerd and missing "home"

2009-07-09T00:05:00.002-04:00

I am a nerd....I have realized this before but tonight I came to the re-realization that I am in fact, a nerd. I have been working on a display for presentations etc about Ghana. I have one of those tri-fold cardboard things...you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I want it to look like the Ghana Flag turned sideways. It took me forever to get the spacing right for the bars since the display board is twice as wide in the middle as on each side. Then it has this star in the middle right...well, it's such a simple flag, if the star looks off, then the whole thing will look, well, crappy. So being the nerd that I am, I got out my (actually it was Heidi's) protractor. That's right people, I used a protractor to measure the angles of the star in the middle of the flag so it would be as close as I could get it to "perfect." It's NOT perfect, by any means, to me it looks really crooked....but after I get the pictures and info about Ghana on there people probably won't notice the crookedness of the star. Then while I was pre-arranging the pictures, because you can't just go throwing the pictures on there all haphazardly, I really started to miss Ghana. I found myself looking at every single picture thinking about when it was taken. I'm so thankful for little things like photos. I mean, Think about it, a photo is like capturing a little tiny piece of a memory on a piece of glossy, 4x6 paper. God is so awesome in the way he created our minds. The smallest thing can pull a memory out of the depths of our minds. A smell, a taste, a photo. What if God hadn't given us the capacity for memory? I mean, a lot of animal species don't really have memory as far as we know. But humans....you can see a picture and be instantly transported back to when it was taken. When I see the pictures of Esther cooking at the school, I can almost smell the food (as cliche as that sounds). The pictures make me miss Ghana so much.
Lately I've been wondering what in the world I'd be doing if God hadn't sent me to Ghana and given me the heart to go back there in September. Would I still be working in a kitchen? Would I have finally decided to go to culinary school at the C.I.A.. And where is this all going? Where will I be a year from now....5 years...20 years? I can honestly say I have no idea what the answer to that question is....Right now, I'm hoping I'm still in Ghana. In 7 months, God has given me a love for that country and for Kumasi and the students at BCA that just amazes me. I don't know....I feel at home there. Things feel stable, and I feel useful there. Before I went to Ghana in December I was a little afraid that God would call me back there....I'm so glad he has. I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be. I guess that's about all I have to say for tonight....I need to get to bed anyway.
BAM

Southerner

2009-07-07T13:16:00.002-04:00

I'm a southerner. I admit it. I am not however, a stereotypical southerner. I don't say "ain't or ya'll." I don't like sweet tea, although after having lived with the Hostetters (Mrs H is from Eastern NC) I have learned to drink it and almost like it. I try to avoid having a southern drawl(is that the right word?) at all costs. I have an accent, but I don't think it's so prominent that you would immediately peg me as a southerner just by hearing me talk. I don't add extra syllables to words that have only one syllable (which southerners do quite a bit, just ask someone with a good southern accent to say my name....it will come out sounding like 'Beyethayann') People that are not from the southeast commonly think of it as a place where the people are backwards, uneducated, quite often racist rednecks. Now I was born & raised in eastern NC and I am none of those things, so I know that it's not true, but people still think that way sometimes. But I am remembering more and more lately, that I am not really from the South.....I'm just staying here while my big brother gets everything ready for me to come home. I have heard people question why God made so many different races/ethnic groups. People think it's soooo hard to get along and find something in common with people that live in a really different situation than themselves. But I LOVE the diversity God allows in this world. I love to travel and learn about new cultures and new places and hear new types of music and eat new types of food. I have learned in the last 10 years or so, but especially in the last 7 months that people are NOT that different. Even when they seem like they are. I fit in just as easily in Ghana as I do in NC. The only real difference between my friends there and my friends here is their skin color. Maybe part of the reason God allowed such diversity is to get us to realize that all the physical stuff (hair/skin color, language you speak etc) it's not really important. At the core, the soul, people are all the same. The Ghanaians love Jesus just as much as the Americans. And they need Him just as much. All the differences we have should be appreciated as a display of God's great creativity. To go to a musical term, Humans are all kind of a theme and variation. We were all created in God's Image and since Adam and Eve we've all just been variations of that original theme.

Ok so, I have something I really need to get over & let God take from me....I have HUGE issues with my dad. I need to forgive him for all the crap he's put our family through in my life-time (longer really) and I need to forgive him for being such a terrible parent. I have tried to forgive him, but it keeps coming back. The anger, the bitterness, the hurt. I honestly believe that he doesn't care about us, beyond what it will benefit him to care. He acts like he cares when he knows people are watching. The whole time I was in Ghana (7 months including Christmas) he didn't call me once, and he only emailed me a few times, most of which were forwards that were junk mail anyway. But then when I landed in NC AT MIDNIGHT, he was there....almost crying because he was so 'happy' that I was home. It makes me really really angry to know that he uses me as a way to make people think that he cares about his family and he's the one that was wronged in the whole divorce situation. My nephew rode from Rocky Mount to Macclesfield with him and apparently he basically trashed mom all the way there...to a 13 year old boy?! Why would a grown man feel the need to do that? Now he can say "oh I went & picked BA up at the airport when she got back from Ghana" which is technically true, but I bet he couldn't tell where Ghana is....or the address where I was staying, or the names of any of my friends. It just makes me mad. I still love him.....but not with the kind of love a daughter should have for her father. I just love him like I love a total stranger that needs Jesus. Is that wrong of me? I honestly don't feel like he's my father. It makes me feel a little guilty to say that, but it's true. They say blood is thicker than water, but I don't think that's true anymore. I'm almost ashamed to say that I'd sacrifice for most of my friends before I'd sacrifice for my own dad. After a while you get tired of caring so much about someone when all they ever do is hurt you. I don't know....but I have to figure out how to forgive him....it's really really hard, sometimes I don't want to forgive him. I need help with it I guess....

Allergies...ugh

2009-07-06T15:36:00.004-04:00

I haven't had any allergy problems for the last 7 months except for two separate times when my sinuses just kind freaked out a little....I get back to NC and my allergies have been kickin' my tail non stop for the last 20 days.....I think I'm allergic to the United States....Just kidding (maybe..)

I've been doing some information gathering for a display about Ghana that I'm going to put up at Christ's Church and for presentations should I have any to do (and I think I will). Some of the info I'm getting makes me really sad.....The most shocking tidbit I found so far was about the number of AIDS related deaths. In Ghana there are an estimated 21,000 AIDS related deaths a year in a population of 23,832,495 well, the shocking thing is that in the US there are 22,000 AIDS related deaths a year in a population of 307,212,123. So I'm sitting here thinking about it and it's crazy to me that a country as small as Ghana only has 1,000 less AIDS related deaths a year than the US even though like 283 million more people live in the US than in Ghana. I know it's not just Ghana too. Most of the African continent has an AIDS epidemic basically. That's on top of the other problems people have with poverty and poor sanitation....when will people that live in wealthy countries, that could really make an impact on less fortunate countries, start to care? I'm so glad that so many of the people I'm close to really DO care about Africa and Ghana. Maybe it's because the know people that have been there and they've heard from those people about how amazing the people are there. Maybe it's because most of them are Christians and they genuinely care about the souls of the Africans. I don't know, but I feel really fortunate to have a circle of friends that cares about the world.
I'm really starting to miss Ghana and I'm getting excited about the opportunities I have to tell people about what's going on there. One of my friends, that I haven't heard from in a very long time, sent me a message on Facebook this weekend asking me if I'd be interested in speaking at the church he & his wife go to. He's on the missions team and he brought me up at a meeting and they want me to come speak about Ghana and possibly offer me support to go back. Two of my other friends both told me that they need someone to support monthly because the person they were supporting is no longer in need of monthly support. And I know that I have more friends that want to help me, whether through monthly support or moral support. God is so awesome in the way he provides everything we need, exactly when we need it.
Since I've been back, I occasionally think to myself "wait, you're really only going to be here until September....seriously?!!" I almost can't belive it. I know that people here care about me, but I think God is using these few months to really show me that my friends here really honestly do care about me and what I'm doing, even when I'm thousands of miles away and even when they all have their own lives to worry about. I've really been convicted to do a much better job with sending out updates and emails when I go back to Ghana. If people are willing to support me and pray for me and care about what's going on in Ghana, then I have a responsibility to share with them as often as possible about the work being done there. If I can't sacrifice a few hours and a few Cedis a month to go to the internet cafe and send out an update, then I don't deserve their support.
I have finished my new support letter, I need to get it printed so I can start sending them out as soon as possible. They probably won't start going out until I get back from Camp next Tuesday. I'm excited about that too! I haven't worked a session of camp since I was in college and I've never worked a session with younger kids. It should be very fun. I might even get to share about Ghana some. I think they have wireless internet at the camp, so I might take my laptop and upload some pictures and blog while I'm there, we'll have to see how busy I am. I think I'll end this blog with even more pictures (are you tired of pictures of Ghana yet?....I'm not)

Grow UP.....seriously!

2009-07-03T22:56:00.003-04:00

man, can I just say that people that go through life not worrying about their responsibilities as much as they should really irritate me! If you tell somebody you'll take care of something DO IT. And if for some reason it looks like you're not going to be able to take care of it, let them know as soon as you find out. It annoys me when I have something to take care of and someone else tells me they're going to handle it, and then I find out a the last possible minute, that they didn't get it taken care of and Oh, now it's my problem again! AHHHHHHHH and people wonder why I want to go back to Ghana! Oh how I love Ghana.

By the way, if anybody wants a very adorable, very sweet black cat, please let me know.

One year.....anniversary?

2009-07-02T22:08:00.002-04:00

So, this time last year, I was in Ghana for the first time ever. I was still trying to realize that I was in Africa....I remember Connie telling me something along the lines of "it's not another planet" just Africa. I have to admit, I was kind of scared of what God would do with me on that trip before I left the States. I "worried" that I would feel called to go back to Ghana. haha, ironic? A year ago, I never would have thought that I'd be planning on returning to Ghana AGAIN for an even longer stay. The way God works things out.....it's crazy sometimes. I can think of about 100 things that have happened to me since I got to college that had they happened differently, I would have gone to Ghana the first time. I can't explain it, but I really feel drawn to Ghana, like it's home. I hope that you realize that this doesn't diminish the value of NC being my home. I just think God has given me a special love for Ghana. I'm really excited about learning Twi (the most common language in Kumasi), I'm really excited about doing more speical things with my students, I'm really excited about getting to know the friends I have there even better. I have some things to do here this summer that I really need to do in order to make sure I have enough support to go back. I need to meet with some people one on one to, for lack of a better word, sell my cause. If I can get about 30 people to commit go supporting me with $20 a month, I'll be set. I don't particularly like the idea of "selling myself" but if it gets me back to Ghana, I'll do it. I don't know what else to say. I can't wait for September. Pray for all my support to come in quickly and easily.
BAM

looking back

2009-06-29T20:44:00.004-04:00

I was looking back through some of my older posts just now. I was so nervous about going to Ghana. I was worried about lots of things that I had no control over and I look back now and realize how foolish it is of me to worry about things that I cannot change. I feel like I've grown a lot in the last 6 months. I still probably worry about things that I can't change, but I think I've gotten better. Coming back the to States has been challenging to me already and it's only been 10 days. In just 7 months I got very used to the kind of life I had in Kumasi. I got used to very disciplined children that are polite and nearly always do what they're told. I got used to people in general being kind to each other and not being sarcastic (for the most part) or hurtful. I got used to living with people that are very different from me and we all worked on accepting our differences. I got used to having family devotions and family night and "hippie" night and talking about spiritual things and trying to encourage everyone to our higher calling as Christians. Coming back, is culture shock to me. There have been quite a few times in the last 10 days that I have felt very uncomfortable. I don't really want to be too specific because I know that some family members and friends occasionally look at this blog. Suffice it to say that I have grown up in a world that is VERY different from that of the children I've been working with in Ghana. Children here have so many more opportunities available to them. To see parents that don't discipline their children really worries me. What will happen to those kids when they're 16-18 years old and suddenly they're expected to "act their age" but they've never been properly disciplined? It worries me to see Christian parents that don't stress the importance of getting in the word and Bible study and prayer to their kids. Forget about memory work since in the States that's pretty much reserved for Vacation Bible School. My nephews and niece don't even have chores. They're 13, 8, and 4 and they basically have no responsibilites. I don't know if this is typical of American children today, but they watch TV and play computer games or listen to music almost constantly. I just don't know what's happpened to the values of this country. There are so many things I want to say to so many people, and I'm afraid of saying them. I know some of them would get extremely angry........but what if I still need to say it? I might totally lose the relationship I have with some of them. Am I willing to give up a good relationship with a friend or relative if they really need to hear what I have to say? I don't know......it's hard to think about. There are so, so many things going through my head lately. Family issues, personal growth issues, spiritual issues, so many things. I sometimes wonder if Ghana is so appealing to me because it sort of offers an escape from the life I had gotten used to here. Is that a bad thing? That's enough ranting for now;

Here are a few things I learned over the last 6 months......
>"Fufu" is not just a word used to describe a fluffy dog
>Food just tastes better when you eat it with your fingers
>When white people eat Ghanaian food with their fingers, the Ghanaians love it
>If a Ghanaian tells you that something you're eating will "make you run" they don't mean it will give you lots of energy
>spoons are not necessary for eating soup
>Hamburger Helper made with tuna instead of hamburger, is not that good
>canned beans with canned tuna added to them.....also not that great
>you will eat anything when you are really hungry, and you'll enjoy it
>Children should appreciate the discipline they get.....and thank you for it
>Memory work is not as hard as most people think.......just think of all the songs/movies etc that you can quote lines from
>in Ghana you can "look like someone who will get married"...whatever that means
>If you never eat, you're always invited
>If you never eat when you're invited, people will get annoyed with you (at least taste it)
>Sarcasm is usually not that funny.....and usually mean spirited
>I do not need air conditioning......even when it's really hot
>People are beautiful
>I am talkative, when I'm around the right kinds of people
>I like okra.....even when it's slimy (who knew?)
>You can walk a lot longer when you have someone to talk to
>Homecooked food is exponentially better than ANY other kind of food
>Learning another language is hard, especially when mischevious friends teach you a word and you later find out that it means something totally different.....
>Lifting weights is fun....even when it's really hard
>Your friends can convince you to do things that you would NEVER do under normal circumstances
>When Christians actually act like Christ, it's an amazingly beautiful thing
>Animals are not as important as people's souls
>You can't blame who you are now on "the way I was raised".....grow up & take responsibility for your actions
>Forgivness is totally necessary and sometimes totally unfair....it's called grace
>most Americans have NO idea where Ghana is
>most Americans think all Africans live in mud hut villages and worship idols and don't have shoes or cars or computers......
>most Africans think that all Americans are rich....although, by African standards, we kind of are
>When your friends love you, they don't care about your shortcomings, but they'll try to help you fix them anyway
>A lot of people don't really care when they ask you how your trip was.....they just want you to say "oh it was great....I saw an elephant"
>The people that really do care, don't care that you saw an elephant
>No matter how many times you tell your grandma that you're going to WEST AFRICA, she will still believe that you're going to some terrorist state where you'll be kidnapped and beheaded on television.
>It is too easy for me to forget about people when I am away from them......I need to work on keeping in touch.
>When you're out of the country for 7 months, you find out which friends/family members really care about you & which ones don't.....for the most part

Lastly I learned this.....I am really Ghanaian at heart.

Shine like stars
BAM

time for some rest....

2009-06-28T21:25:00.003-04:00

Well, things have been a bit hectic/crazy/busy since I got back to the US on the 16th/17th. My brother's family has to move before the end of June so we had a yard sale which I helped with, my mom got married on the 26th, I was the Maid of Honor/Caterer so I had to prep all the food. Then, since I've been out of the country for the last 7 months, my mom was handling all my bills for me, well, she is a little late on a couple of them so I had about a million calls from College Foundation and CapitalOne. Grrrrrr. I've ridden or driven several hundred miles in the last few days and I'm pretty beat. One of my friends asked me if I wanted to work camp with them this week...my brother will be there working and I'd probably enjoy it, but I really feel like I need some good rest.
I can honestly say that this week I will feel more at home than I've felt since I left Ghana. The friends I have from college that I'm staying with, are like family to me and I feel totally at home in their house. I know I can come and go as I please, I can get things out of the fridge I know where all the dishes are, I feel at home. I haven't felt at home really since I've been back. The first week I stayed at my mom & her new husband's house which I've never been to in my life. It's a perfectly fine house, and they try to make me feel welcome, but it's just not "home." At the end of the week I stayed with one of my brother's & his family but it's not home either. Then on Thursday I stayed with my other brother & his wife, I was comfortable, but it's not "home."
I'm the kind of person that once I get used to being somewhere I really settle in and don't want to leave. I have grown used to Ghana over the last 7 months. Ghana is home for me now. That's exciting and a little scay all at the same time. I am comfortable in the Hostetter's house, I'm comfortable in the school, I'm comfortable with the people. It's great! The things I thought I'd miss, I really didn't care too much about and the things I worried about before leaving worked themselves out. Mostly I was worried about my mom being alone, well God worked that one out didn't he, she just got married a couple of days ago.
I love my friends here in NC. I really, really do. They're the greatest and I know that any of them would be there for me if I needed them. But I love my friends in Ghana too. I really feel like the work I'm able to do in Ghana is so much more important than anything I have ever done here in the States. A few years ago I never would have belived anyone telling me that I'd be going to Africa and liking it so much that I wanted to go back. Now I can honestly say I'm so excited about getting back to Ghana in September. One of my friends asked me today if I could see myself living there permanently.......that's a tough question, I've only lived there for 7 months, but I really think I could make Ghana my home permanently. Sure I'd miss my friends and family here in the States. But communication is so easy nowdays even in a country like Ghana. There's an internet cafe right near the house, I can get a cell phone. People are only an email or phone call away.
Sometimes I wonder what in the world I'm getting into. Can I really live in Africa full time, not just for a few months? The voice in my head says "you're not a missionary....you're nuts." But I'm not so sure I should listen to that voice anymore. All Christians are commanded to "go and make disciples" so technically we are all missionaries in one way or another. I just feel strange thinking that I could go in to ministry in some form, full time. I feel inadequate most of the time when I think about it that way. I feel like I just don't know enough about scripture or God or the Bible or any of that "spiritual" stuff. But I'm learning every single day. I have grown a lot just from being in Ghana for 7 months. I cannot imagine staying here in the States. I have really missed my friends, but now that I'm here, I really miss my friends in Ghana. As cliche as it sounds, I really feel like my heart is in Ghana. I am so thankful that my friend Connie went to Ghana when I was in college and then later Travis went and I ended up going because of that. The first trip I took over the summer really changed my life. I have no idea how long God will keep me in Ghana, and I'm excited about it.
Keep Shining,
BAM

More pictures

2009-06-25T00:46:00.003-04:00

Forget 'raindrops on roses' ...THESE are a few of my favorite things!

2009-06-25T00:24:00.003-04:00

Man, it's been a very long time since I made a real post in here. Now's the time I guess. I've been back in the US about a week now and I have to say, it feels really really weird. I really miss Ghana a lot. If I already had a return ticket, I'd be counting the days. I can't explain it, but I just feel like I fit there. I really love the kids in my class, even when they get on my nerves. I have some really good friends in Ghana that I can't imagine living without. Mostly though, I feel like working in BCA makes a difference. Before I went to Ghana, I was working in a restaurant. It was a good job, I enjoyed it a lot, but it really wasn't changing any lives or anything. I feel like this is where God wants me right now, and I'm excited to see what he's got in store for me. Well, for the next 2 months I'll probably post pretty regularly as long as I can get to the internet ok. Here are a few pictures to keep in interesting.

2009-06-25T00:13:00.000-04:00

These are the kids from my learning center in Kumasi. L>R ladies first we have Abigail, Monica, Christiana, Dinah, Sherrie and Gloria. Boys L>R we have Isaac, Abraham, Kwabena, Jeffrey and Emmanuel.
They are MY kids and I miss them all. I can't wait to get back to Ghana!!
I'll post more pictures this weekend, I promise

Back Stateside

2009-06-17T22:43:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm finally back from Ghana, for the time being. Before I even got out of Accra I was already missing my friends in Kumasi. I'm glad to be back to visit family and friends here, but I really really miss everyone in Kumasi. I'm still a little tired from all the traveling, so a little later this week I'll try to put up some pictures and make a more thourough, post. Thanks to everyone that was praying for me etc....keep praying I'm planning on leaving in September to go back to Ghana to work in the school, I'll be working hard all summer gathering support & such.
BAM

First Week of School

2009-01-16T09:55:00.002-05:00

Well, my first week of school is over. I think it was ok for the most part. I found out today how a few of my students are not exactly "accurate" when they fill out there goal cards. I won't let it happen again if I can help it though. I feel like I'm doing ok with my class so far. I found a good spot at the school where my wireless signal is pretty strong so I can use my laptop to get online instead of having to go to the cafe. This post is kind of random, my thoughts are all over the place and disorganized. I really like the people here a lot. I don't have too much to say right now I guess. Maybe later.

Akwabaa!

2008-12-13T09:57:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm in Ghana! finally.
My flights both went well, and it only took a couple of minutes to get through customs in Acca. I have had a few days to just rest and mostly take it easy. So far though, I have helped make some candy, and cook dinner for Mrs H's birthday last night. And yesterday I helped in Alyssa's learning center a little. I'm doing pretty good so far. Thanks to everyone for their prayers and love. We are getting ready for Christmas here, and it's funny to hear Christmas music playing while it's 80-90 degrees outside! I'm looking forward to getting an updated posted later after family camp, which starts next Thursday. Love you all
In Christ
BAM

the time has come

2008-12-09T01:20:00.001-05:00

I'm flying out tomorrow. I can't sleep. I'm worrying about all my luggage, and if I've forgotten anything. Worrying about traveling solo. It will all be ok though. Next time you hear from me, I won't be in NC anymore.
BAM

Insanity!!

2008-12-06T21:32:00.003-05:00

So, tonight was officially my last shift at work! How crazy is that. I have had some crazy days at work but I can honestly say that I will miss all the crazies I work with, especially the Kitchen Crew. Watched Wall-E with Heidi tonight, it was cute, I liked it. In 3 days I will be getting on a plane and flying to Ghana. I'm pretty excited, and freaking out and all of everything at once. I have to go to Wal-Mart, tonight or tomorrow even though I hate it. There are things I need to buy and it's the most convenient place to get everything all at once. My friends are having a farewell party for me tomorrow. Pretty cool I guess, but I don't like being the center of attention. It is nice to know that I will get to see people before I leave though.

I kind of can't believe that I'm actually going to Ghana next week. I mean, for 6 months! It is very very exciting and scary. If you know me, then you know that I do not like admitting if something scares me. But honestly, I'm a little scared. Just because I've never done anything like this before. I still feel like I have a lot to do before I go, but I think most of it is just packing & making sure I have everything I need. And in reality, if there's anything that I forget, then I more than likely can live without if for 6 months. I'm not totally sure that it has set in that this time next week I'll be on another continent. when I went this summer, I didn't believe I was going until I was THERE. I'm very apprehensive about traveling alone, I've always been in a group when I've flown before. As independent as I like to be, travel is one thing I've only done in groups. I'm sure it will be ok. I have a feeling I'm going to learn so much more, the importance of prayer. I have no idea how this trip is going to change me, but I'm fairly certain it will change me. We shall see!

doing better

2008-12-03T23:16:00.002-05:00

so, as of right now, I have 7 days left in the States. I know, it's insane!! My car is still beat up, but I've filed a claim and have gotten the stuff sent to my agent for getting it fixed. I just got my computer back tonight (long story) One of my cats (Vader) got "fixed" this week, and my other cat (Harley) is still missing. Her missing is very stressful to me, she's like my kid, so if you want you can pray for that even though it seems silly. I'm in for a very very busy few last days of work so I know I'm going to be stressed out, I'm just trying to go with it. ok, time for bed since I have to be at work at 6:30 in the morning! ugh.
BAM <><

Crappy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-30T00:15:00.003-05:00

So, I knew these last couple of weeks before I went to Ghana were going to be tough, but I don't know how much more I can take. First my laptop had to be sent back to Dell for repairs, who knows if I will get it back before leaving. Then, on Thanksgiving night my mom & I hit a deer in MY car on the way home from my aunt's house. No one was hurt thankfully, but my car is pretty bad. And now, my cat, that I've had for like 8 years has disappeared from my mom's house. No one has seen her for at least 24 hours. We've looked all over the house/yard/neighborhood. I don't have a good feeling about it. So if you see me this week, and ask me how I'm doing, I'll try to be in a good mood, but in all honesty, I've had a terrible few days here. Satan is trying his hardest to get me down, and I'm trying my hardest to stay up, but I feel like I'm starting to go under.

Treading water
BAM
'

Edit:
on a good note, I got to see my whole family over thanksgiving break. There were no major arguments and I got to give Christmas presents to my bro & his family early since I won't see them. And, my family all went in together to get me a sweet new digital camera.

Stupid Devil

2008-11-28T18:10:00.003-05:00

So, this week, the devil is trying to get me down. I'm not going to let him though. Thanksgiving was......interesting. The night before we all went out and ate dinner. By "we all" I mean my whole family. Both brothers and their wives, and my nephews and niece, and my dad and mom and my mom's friend and one a friend of one of my brothers. Can I just say that adults acting out like pre-adolescent children really pisses me off. Yeah enough about that. Thanksgiving day was pretty normal. Went to my aunt's house and ate like usual. On the way home, mom was driving my car and my nephew and I were riding with her and we hit a deer! Yep, huge buck right on the side of the road and he rad right into the front 1/4 panel on MY car yay! So, my to-do list just got a little longer, but the devil's not getting me

11 days

My cat is missing.....no one has seen her for hours, and I have a very bad feeling about it

Two Weeks

2008-11-25T07:17:00.002-05:00

In fourteen days, I will be getting ready for the biggest trip of my life. I will probably be freaking out a little, I already am, a little.

It's Official

2008-11-21T14:37:00.001-05:00

I have a ticket for December the 9th. I'll be flying out of RDU through JFK and arriving in Ghana on Dec 10th. Am I excited..YES! and I a little scared, YES! but mostly excited!

Baffled

2008-11-20T19:52:00.003-05:00

So, I admit, I have been eating too much junk food lately. Mostly because I know I won't be able to have Taco Bell, or random snack foods that I like while I'm in Ghana. So that leads into this perplexing situation. I was at the grocery store tonight, getting some coffee creamer and a snacky thing. Well think it is absolutely RIDICULOUS that you can buy 2 boxes of name brand snack cakes for less than you can buy a half a dozen apples!! I mean, no wonder people don't eat healthy enough. You can get enough snacks for your kids for two weeks for what it would cost to buy fresh fruit for just a few days. It's stupid that pre-packaged, nutrutionally void (practially) "food" costs half as much as REAL FOOD. I can't belive people don't realize the reason this junk is so cheap is because it has very little nutritional value.
ok, I'm done ranting

Clarity

2008-11-17T20:21:00.002-05:00

let me start by saying, that I know that my friends love me. In my last post it may have sounded like I was doubting that. If any of them comes across this blog I don't want them to think that I don't appreciate them or love them. But, none of my friends can really understand how I feel. I have only known a few people in my life that are/were as overweight as I am. One or two of them have lost a lot of weight, but the majority of all the people I know have no idea what it feels like to be significantly overweight. People who are not fat don't understand how you can get so large. In my case, I've been overweight since I was 7-8 years old. By the time I was old enough to do something about my weight myself I was REALLY overweight. Some people actually do have a real metabolic problem. So while I know that my friends were not talking about me, when we were watching that show, it still hurts to hear those things. It hurts not because my friends were saying it, but because I know that the rest of the world feels that way about me. So, that's it for the clarification. I'm over it now. well, I'm over feeling like my friends think those things about me. I'm not sure I'll ever get over some of the things people say about those of us that are overweight. It makes me angry that it's one of the last things left that it is socially ok to make fun of someone for, or ridicule someone about. I hope that changes, but I'm not sure it ever will. I guess it makes me realize that I need to think twice about everything I say, if it's not up-lifting, I'm going to try my best to stop it before it leaves my mouth.

5Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.^[b] 7You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3: 5-17

Peace & Love

difficult

2008-11-16T22:56:00.002-05:00

It is difficult for me to watch some things with my friends. There are certain things, that they just don't see the same way I do. I had to leave someone's house today, because of my differing perspective, and I don't even think they know it. Ok, I'm just gonna come out with it. I was watching "Half ton Dad" on TLC with some friends. Their comments were all negative. Comments about how disgusting HE is and how it grosses them out to see him. One of the people on the show said something about how he'd like to date someday and one of my friends said something like "uh, who'd want to date him?!" They kept saying things about how that much weight doesn't just sneek up on you. I have to admit that some of those comments hurt me. I got up and said something about how I had to work in the morning, hugged everyone left. I don't even think they realized that I was reallyleaving for other reasons. None of them have ever had any real struggle (as far as I know) with their weight. At one point they were basically just making fun of the guy. I feel terribly sorry for him. People always talk about not judging people based on the way they look, but how many people really practice that (even me.) Don't my friends realize that I am fat? I know they do, it's totally obvious. I'm not just fat, I'm obese. Do they not understand that the comments they make about the half ton man, also apply to me. To a normal sized person, an obese person is still disgusting. Put two & two together here, of course, it makes me feel like I am disgusting and offensive and gross to my friends. That's not what they said sure, but how can you say that about one person, and not belive it about another person too. I've been getting made fun of because of my weight for almost as long as I can remember, and hearing my friends make fun of or be dusgusted by someone because of their weight just really, really hurts. Do they think I'm just lazy, and that's why I'm fat. Do they think that people who are fat enjoy being fat? I don't know. There's so much going through my head right now, about this and about a lot of other things. It just makes me really really sad.

this world

2008-11-15T23:02:00.002-05:00

so, I've only lived in 3 places my whole life. -the house I grew up in - The house I lived in when I was in college -and the apartment I live in now. I haven't had a lot of opportunities to pack up and move and just look at all the stuff I have. I've been working this week to get my apartment packed up. I have to be out by the end of Nov. Just looking at the small amount of stuff I moved today, I can't believe how much STUFF I have. I have boxes and boxes of stuff that I moved to my mom's today, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. When I went to Haiti, I came back with a new sense of how much we (Americans) have. But going to Africa was a whole different story. I mean, I live in a 700 sq foot apartment by myself. I have a car that I own. I have cable TV. I have wireless high speed internet 24 hours a day. I have heat and AC. I have running water. I have electricity. Those are things that every person I know here considers necessary. But the truth is, for the most part, they are NOT necessary. When I go to Ghana, I will more than likely be sharing a bedroom with 3-4 other people. The shower will not be hot. The electricity will go out. It will be almost unbearably hot. I will probably get sick. You might be thinking "wait, you want to go there?" Yes, I want to go. This post kind of went off track...I'm not even sure what I was trying to get at when I started typing....hmm. I guess basically I'm just realizing how incredibly lucky I am. and spoiled. It makes me sad when people don't care about the rest of the world. I feel like I don't care enough, so when I see people that care even less than me, that could be doing SO much to improve someone's life.....I just don't get it. I guess that's part of living in this world.

This world has nothing for me, and this world has everything, all that I could want and nothing that I need.

Boxes

2008-11-12T17:16:00.002-05:00

It is amazing how obvious it is that I really am wealthy (compared to the rest of the world) when I am packing my whole life into cardboard boxes. I suppose most of the world would only need one box.....I already have 5 boxes of JUST BOOKS! man, I am so spoiled.

2008-11-08T21:44:00.002-05:00

Missionary; Mis"sion*ary\, n.; pl. Missionaries. [Cf. F. missionnaire. See Mission, n.] One who is sent on a mission; especially, one sent to propagate religion. --Swift. (from Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary)

So, I guess technically when I get to Africa I will "be" a missionary. It scares me to look at it that way. I feel like I am not worthy of being a missionary for my God. I know so little about the Bible. When I was deciding what I wanted to do when I went to college, I immediately strayed away from the medical field, simply because I do not want another person's life in my hands. But being a missionary is almost like being in the spiritual medical field. A person's spiritual health is so much more important than their physical health. I do feel like God has called me to go to Ghana, but at the same time I think "how in the world could God (who KNOWS my innermost thoughts) trust me to influence people spiritually." People always say things like "well, God doesn't need perfect people" and that's completely true, but when I look at my friends, I just feel so much further from perfect than all of them. I rarely have spiritual conversations, but it seems like their conversations are always spiritual. It also scares me to think about the ways I know I will change when I'm gone. I know my knowledge of scripture will increase for one thing. I know that they are big on physical fitness over there so, I guess there's a strong possibility that I will change physically too. I'm all for changing my life for the better, but it's still a little scary. I worry that I will leave as one person, and return as a totally different person. It scares me to think that I could possibly decide to go back again, or stay for much longer than I currently plan to. I feel like I'm on the edge of what could be the most exciting and transforming time of my life. Yeah, that's kind of scary to think about. I wonder how scared the giants of the Bible were before the embarked on some of their life changing journeys. I know that quite often the very first thing an angel said to a person was "don't be afraid" so people must have been afraid a lot. I know that Christ said "fear not for I am with you" which comforts me. But I'm still a little scared, I thin it's only human. I've never traveled by myself, I've never lived far away from my family or close friends, I've never taught in a school. I don't think I've ever been to my breaking point, physically, spiritually, or emotionally. I'm thinking that I might find all three of those in Africa.

sleep

2008-11-06T22:31:00.002-05:00

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. Maybe it's from stress, or worrying over stuff, or drinking too much coffee too close to bedtime. I dunno. I'm either just not tired at night, or I can't get my mind to slow down enough to just drift off to sleep. I'm not getting enough sleep, I get this sort of nervous twitch in my right eye when I don't get enough sleep. Or maybe it's just not a truly restful sleep. I'm a terrible worry-er. I know I shouldn't be, don't worry about tomorrow for each day has enough worries of it's own right? What do you do, to stop worrying? I always try to convince myself that I don't really worry that much. Lately though, I guess I'm seeing the truth more. People at work joke with me that I need to just chill out and not worry about stuff at work so much. I just can't let things be done the wrong way when I know that I played a part in preparing that meal. That's a silly little thing though, I worry about other things. The top of my worry list right now is; Finances for Ghana, my mom being OK with me going to Ghana, Getting everything straight to move out of my apartment at the end of the month....there are more but anyway. I'm terrible at "letting go" of things that I worry about. I try to not worry about them, but then I sort of obsess over them and end up worrying about them more I think.
I'm trying to not be impatient with my funds for Ghana coming in. It's not happening as quickly as I want it to. At the same time though, every time I get a check, I get a little more nervous about going. Not because I think I've made the wrong decision, just because this is the biggest decision I've ever made in my life and frankly it scares me a little bit. All these things that could go wrong start running through my head. I guess we'll see what happens

2008-11-04T16:48:00.002-05:00

so, I'm moving out of my place at the end of November. I figure if I'm still in the states by the end of the month, then there's no need to owe another month's rent for Oct of I leave for Ghana before then. My friend Heidi said I can stay with her until I leave so basically all I have to do is get all my stuff to my mom's house over the course of the month. Am I excited? you bet. Am I completely freaking out? Definitely. I saw a suitcase at TJ Maxx that I like so I might go back & buy it this week. I think I go through the whole gamut of emotions about leaving for Ghana every single day. I get excited, I freak out a little, I get a little sad that I have to leave my family/friends, I get worried that I'll forget something, I get worried that I'll disappoint the Hostetters when I get over there. This is basically the biggest thing I've ever done in my life. I still kind of can't believe God's letting me do it. I feel like this is a really important time in my life and I'm so scared that I'm going to do something to mess it up. Pray for my family (mom in particular) that they will have peace about me going and that they will not worry too much about me while I'm gone. Pray that I'm a good child and I keep in touch like I'm know I should.

let's lighten the mood a little

2008-11-01T13:52:00.002-04:00

so, a couple of serious posts and now for something a little different. I'm here by myself at my apartment cleaning up cooking lunch etc. I have the Food Network on just for something in the back ground. So, Ina Garten (ie the Barefoot Contessa) has a "new" show on FN. Now don't get me wrong, I like her recipes as much as anybody else. I've cooked quite a few of them and they always give great results. But, she had a show at one time, Barefoot Contessa, and best I can figure this "new" show is basically the same recipes as the old show. FN is not even trying to cover up the fact that they're taping new versions of the same recipes. The tag-line for the show is something like "all my classics with the volume turned up" I mean seriously? People really like her so much that they'll be ok with watching her cook the same recipes she cooked on the other show with one or two tweaks in them? I don't get it. FN is disappointing to watch a lot of times now. It used to be chefs (real chefs) with cooking shows. Now it's more like a home cook that shows all their little tricks for how to get the fastest, cheapest result. I guess it's just not for me. I don't like trying to turn everything into 30 minute meal. I LIKE slow food. Braised short ribs for example take a long time, but they are worth it. I still watch the Food Network, but I'm picky about the shows I watch. Give me Top Chef over FN Start anyday!

thankful

2008-11-01T08:29:00.002-04:00

I'm so glad that James 5:16 is in the Bible. Last night I was totally wrecked. When mom called me to ask me to pray for Jamie I felt totally helpless and all I could do was just beg God for her to please be ok. I sent messages to a couple of my friends asking them to pray, I put a message up on my brothers blog asking all his online friends to pray. Mom called back around 1:45 this morning. Jamie should be fine. Apparently she has a severe ear infection. The Dr gave her some meds and said she should be fine. I know for a fact that my mom & I were not the only ones praying for her and my brother's family. Skeptics could say that it's all coincidental. Whatever, all I know, is that last night we were totally helpless and completely at the mercy of God begging him to make her well. And she's well now. I'm not saying any kind of miracle happened or anything, I'm just saying that I'm soooooo glad that in times where we are helpless, God will help us if we just ask with a sincere heart. If any of you read this and were praying, last night, thank you so much. I know the prayers were felt by our family.

scared

2008-10-31T23:55:00.002-04:00

My phone just woke me up. It was my mom. You know when your mom calls late at night something is wrong. My niece Jamie has been taken to the ER by ambulance. My brother & his family were at someone's house at a party and she suddenly spiked a temp, had a seizure and stopped breathing. The got her breathing again and when mom talked to me she said Lee told her they were on the way to the ER. She called me so that I could pray for Jamie. Mom said she didn't want to be the only one praying. I find myself not even knowing what to say. All I can do is cry and beg God that's she'll be okay. If you are reading this PLEASE PLEASE take a minute and pray for my niece and my brother's family and my mom. Mom is somewhat freaking out, this is the first time something like this has ever happened and she can't just go to where Lee & his family are. She can't just drive down to Mississippi right now and be there for them. She said she'd call me when she found out anything else. I'll keep you posted. Until then, please pray for Jamie Lee.

8 Things Stollen from Amanda H

2008-10-29T22:36:00.002-04:00

8 Things I am Passionate About:

1. Missions

2. Travel

3. Cooking/Food

4. Music

5. Needy People

6. God's will for my life

7. My family

8. My friends

8 Words/Phrases I Often Say:

1. I don't care

2. Whatever

3. Holy Smokes!

4. Que Pasa?

5. Yep

6. Nada

7. Aw Man

8. I dunno/I'm not deciding

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

1. Travel in EU for at least a month

2. Visit Israel

3. get to 125

4. Skydive

5. Learn to snowboard

6. Run for miles

7. Learn to speak another language fluently
8. Overcome my fear of being in front of large groups of people

8 Things I Currently Want or Need

1. 3-4 thousand dollars

2. Luggage

3. A new digital camera
4. to clean my apartment

5. a Macbook Pro

6. a NICE Digital video camera

7. new shoes

8. clothes/supplies for Ghana

8 Favorite TV shows:

1. Top Chef

2. Heroes
3. Lost

4. Ugly Betty(I know...guilty pleasure)

5. Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives
6. Good Eats

7. Anything on the Discovery Channel or History Channel

8. Everything on the Travel Channel

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1. Stromboli's

2. Romano's Macaroni Grill

3. Cookout

4. Taco Bell

5. Dale's Indian

6. Jason's Deli

7. Outback

8. Cheesecake factory

8 Things that Happened Today:

1. Worked my tail off at work and got REALLY frustrated with some people

2. Got my car inspected and oil changed

3. Talked to someone I've never met before that has been to Ghana

4. Went to the new Fresh Market here in town (CRAZINESS!)

5. Watched about 5 episodes of Heroes season one

6. Got off work early
7. Didn't clean my apartment (ok, so technically that's something that didn't happen)

8. Stayed up too late

8 Things to Look Forward to:

1. Ghana!

2. Thanksgiving

3. Christmas (probably in Ghana)

4. The weekend (hello, I have NOTHING that I have to do?! is that possible)

5. Payday

6. Seeing my friends Sunday at church

7. Cooking something fun this weekend

8. Going to bed

I'm so excited.....

2008-10-28T20:52:00.002-04:00

and I just can't fight it! So, I've been at work ALL day, for like 12.5 hours. It's already been a rough week and it's only Tuesday. Anyway, I get home and eat dinner and I'm checking my email. So, I have a message on Facebook from Mrs H in Ghana. She wanted to know how my fundraising is going. Then, here's the kicker, she says "Laura has offered to pay for your ticket if you can get the money for the monthly payment" So all I have to say, is HOW AWESOME IS GOD!! I mean seriously, I've been trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to get that money in. and I saw a shooting star on the way home from work. I have to be back at work at 6 a.m. but I'm so excited I don't know if I'll even be able to sleep. I called a couple of my friends to let them know and I called my mom. She immediately sounded sad....she tried not to, but I can tell. She said "oh, so you''ll be gone for Christmas..?" I feel bad leaving her, but I can't let her "needing" me to keep me from doing something that God obviously wants me to do. So now, instead of $7000, I need about $3000. I can't even believe it. God is sooooooo good!
In Christ
BAM

I did it

2008-10-26T22:28:00.002-04:00

In reference to a post a few back, I went up in front of the congregation this morning to ask for prayer about going to Ghana. Tim (the preacher) threw in a bit about how if anyone felt like they wanted to and were able to help me financially then they should. When the praise band was starting the last song, I felt like I needed to go up there, but I didn't budge. I could literally feel my legs shaking. I know it's hard to believe but doing that is more nerve wracking than flying or leaving the comforts of my well stocked home. At fall fest today, our children's minister (Chris) fussed at me for being so scared of doing things in front of people. Maybe "fussed" is a little extreme, but there was someone on stage playing a song that I really liked, and I mentioned to Chris that the guy on stage needed someone singing the harmony part. I started singing it just a little bit and he tried to get me to go up and sing on stage with the guy. I did not go, of course, and he then proceeded to give me some grief about how I needed to use my gifts and talents and whatnot. He's right, but I couldn't do it, I'm not ready for it yet. People have been telling me for a looooooooooong time that I needed to do stuff like that. Play the piano at church, sing in the praise band etc. I've heard it many many times. But seriously, I felt like I was going to pass out when I went up this morning, and I didn't even have to say anything. It's just a fear that I haven't conquered yet.

think, think think...(warning, this is a long post)

2008-10-23T23:27:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking about Ghana a lot this week. We've been really busy at work so I've been working A LOT. I mean, I still have to work on Friday and Saturday and I've already got 40 hours. So, what's the deal with all the thinking about Ghana? Well....I'm working a lot but I just don't feel like what I do, makes any difference. I don't mean that I feel unappreciated at work (although, sometimes that's true) I mean I feel like working in catering where most of our clients are drug reps or doctors' offices and our events are almost all for very wealthy people, just feels unimportant. I dunno, I sort of feel like my desire to go to Ghana is a little bit selfish, because I know that I will personally feel more fulfilled. That is not the only reason I want to go to Ghana, it's not even the primary reason. The first and most important reason I want to go is because I feel like God is calling me their. Now I guess I just have to get it together so I can leave ASAP.

The devil is trying to get at me lately....I've had a HARD week at work. Yesterday I ticked someone off so badly that they walked out and didn't tell anyone they were leaving, or why. I didn't know they were mad at me until another co-worker got to work like 5-6 hours later and told me what he had said. He (the guy that walked out) apparently felt like I had been trying to tell him how to do his job, and he didn't appreciate it because he's been cooking a lot longer than I have. Today when I came in, my boss called me aside and told me that I didn't need to feel bad about what happened. They knew I was looking out for the integrity of our food and I wasn't trying to tell anybody how to do their job, I was just saying "hey, this is our recipe, this is the way WE do it for catering." I guess I'm glad that my boss knows that I'm looking out for the interest of their business, but I still kind of feel bad that they guy got so mad at me. What are you supposed to do when someone gets so mad at you that they just walk out, no warning. I had NO IDEA that he was mad and honestly I still really don't know how I made him mad.

Some days I'm really super excited about going back to Ghana.....some days I freak out internally and wonder what in the world I'm getting myself into. Mostly I'm excited. I talked with Connie about it a little the other night. I know that once I get there, I will change, that's a given. Frankly, that kind of scares me a little. Even change for the better is still change and unfamiliar places/situations even good ones, are still unfamiliar. I look at myself now, and wonder if I've changed any since I started college in 2000. I don't feel like I have really, even though I'm sure I must have.

I wonder, on a regular basis what is in store for me in the future. I can't imagine what will happen. When I think about it much, I get really freaked out. Connie asked me how long I was thinking about staying in Ghana.....at least until the end of their school year. And then I said that I thought I could be happy there long-term. I mean, I think I could be as happy there as I am here. and yes, that freaks me out (I'm having a very freaked out week huh?) I am not even sure I can think about it really. And when I get back, what am I going to do? Work in another restaurant...at a relatively dead end job just to pay my bills? Or maybe I'll finally go to culinary school? Or maybe I'll find a job that actually uses my Comm degree? I just can't even fathom what God will lead me to. I get worried that I won't know what God wants me to do or where he wants me to go.

I wonder if I'll ever figure out what my passion in life is. I used to think it was music. For a while now I've been pretty passionate about food/cooking. I've always had a love of travel, not sure if that would be considered a passion though. If it is, I'm not sure how God would use it. Then sometimes I don't think I'm truly passionate about anything. What does it look like to be passionate about something anyway? I rarely get really excited about anything. I'm just not sure about any decision that I make. How do you learn/develop confidence (without failure)?

can you keep a secret?

2008-10-22T00:04:00.002-04:00

So, I have a secret for you. Don't tell anybody, but I'm am totally, utterly scared of speaking in front of people. I'm raising support so I can go live in Ghana for however long God decides. But the idea of getting up in front of the several hundred people at church to ask for prayer about the trip scares me more than going to live thousands of miles away in a third world country. It's ridiculous! The thought of getting up in front of that many people (far less people even) absolutely freaks me out. You might say, "yeah, but it's just the people at church...." and you're right, if I can't feel comfortable with the people I go to church with then where can I feel comfortable right. But I am NOT an out in front of everybody kind of person. I like to just blend into the crowd. Honestly, getting up in front of the church to speak to everybody is really really far outside of my comfort zone. Lord help me....

hmm,

2008-10-20T22:29:00.002-04:00

So, I don't really have too much to post right now. I worked this weekend, so I had a pretty boring few days I guess. I have almost $500 in my Ghana account so far. I'm excited that money is coming in, but the stupid, doubtful part of me feels like $500 is barely a drop in the $7k bucket. I just have to have some faith I know. I just want to be able to go as soon as possible and I'm afraid that I'm going to get impatient. It will be ok though.

The Biggest Loser

2008-10-14T20:46:00.002-04:00

I'm watching the biggest loser right now, and you know what I don't get? I don't get the contestants complaining about things like "oh, my feet hurt, my ankles hurt, it's hot" blah blah blah. I'm fat and I know it, if I started working out like crazy for hours & hours each day in the middle of the summer, I would EXPECT the pain. Some of the contestants are just, weak. I just want them to shut up with the complaining.

I just don't know

2008-10-13T23:16:00.004-04:00

So, I should be in bed right now, but I started watching this show on Discovery. It was a news style documentary sort of show. Ted Koppel was the host/interviewer/narrator. The show was all about the KKK. I just felt so many different emotions as I was watching. I felt angry that one human being could treat another human being the way they KKK treated their targets. I felt sad that something like that could even happen here in the "land of the free." I felt cheated because we didn't learn about all of this in school as much as we should have. I felt ashamed that so many white, southerners just let it happen. How could you see people being lynched, and shot, and dragged away to never be seen again and just NOT do something to try to help. Mostly I felt really, really mad that this terrorist group (the KKK) poses under the guise of Christ. They spout scriptures and use religious imagery in their rituals and they, somehow, really think they are doing something that God himself would endorse!! Did you know that the last known lynching in this country was in 1981? Nineteen EIGHTY one! That was only 27 years ago, only a year before I was born. Yep. In 1981 a young man named Michael Donald, was walking down the street in Mobile, Alabama at night. Two young white men pulled up next to him in a car to ask for directions and they put a gun to his head and dragged him off into the night. He begged for his life, he offered them all the money he had. Ultimately they slit his throat a few times with a box cutter then waited until nearly daylight to hang his body from a tree in the middle of town with a noose so everyone could see. It makes me want to scream. It makes me feel physically sick. The fact that this group still exists makes me very angry. There's nothing I can do about it, but pray. I don't understand how people can claim Christ and think it's ok to treat any person, any human being so wrongly. I cringe when I hear "the N word." I don't care, if it's just a word, I don't care what the real origins of the word are. Ultimately that word, is detrimental to society. I could go off on a tangent here about some other things I think are detrimental to society, but I think I'll save it for another post. I am ashamed that in the United States of America we still have blatant racism, not just black/white racism. There is plenty of racism to go around over here. I know people that think that basically all /Middle Easterners are terrorists and they would not fly on a plane of a person that "looked" middle eastern were on the plane. Well, one of my brothers can look pretty Middle Eastern at times. Around here in this rural, agricultural area you can always hear somebody talking (complaining) about "the Mexicans." It makes me so mad. First of all, just because someone speaks Spanish, does NOT mean they are Mexican. Secondly, if we didn't have so many emigrants in this country there would not be any one to do all the real work. Next time you go out to eat, look in the kitchen of whatever restaurant you're in. I bet the majority of the workers are a minority group. You ignorant, white farmers want to talk junk about your "mexicans?" well who in the world would harvest your crops if they didn't do it? I have to quit typing now, I'm getting all riled up. I guess it's just something to think about.
Be like Christ, it's the only way to be

eureeka!

2008-10-12T17:29:00.002-04:00

yeah, I know I've been posting a lot lately.....sue me..

So, I had a bit of a revelation this weekend. It's not something I've never thought about before, it's just something that I think I didn't ever really let sink in until this weekend. But first, some background. I'm the youngest in my family and the only girl. While I wouldn't say that I was or am spoiled, I'm sure I got out of doing my fair share of some things, like cleaning my room. When it came to things like that it seemed like mom was always more than happy to just do it for me. So I guess you could say that there were some things in life that I didn't really have to do, they were just given to me. Well, for some reason, it hit me this weekend that now that I'm an adult, that isn't going to happen. If there are things I want, or things that I feel God is calling me to do, I'm going to have to DO IT MYSELF! I don't mean "myself" as in totally alone, I'd be foolish to think that I could somehow achieve anything without God being in control of it. I mean more like, if there are things that I feel like need to change in my life, no one else on this earth is going to feel the exact same way about them as I do. Therefore, if I want something to change, I have to be the catalyst of that change. I can no longer sit on my tail and feel pitiful because things aren't the way I want them. I need to shut up, stop making excuses and just try my hardest to fix the problems. I need to be willing to do whatever it takes. In any aspect of my life. I want to go to Africa and I feel like God is calling me back there, I need to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get there. I am totally out of shape, God gave me this body and I have a responsibility to take care of it, I need to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get healthy. So basically this is not a new idea...just one that I saw with a new perspective this weekend.

The Norm-als

2008-10-12T14:23:00.002-04:00

So there is this Christian band that I like called The Normals. I haven't listened to them in quite a while, but recently I've gotten back into them. I only have one of their albums, but MAN it's just a great album. The lyrics to the songs are just, so honest. I can sing along to their songs in my car and I feel like I could have written the lyrics myself. This song has been particularly relevant lately;
"What I Cannot Earn" the Normals

I try, I try
but I fail, I fail
it's like walking on ice in socks
it's like breathing underwater
I try

I live, I live
and I breathe, I breathe
but is living really life
and is breath really breathing
without You

when will I learn to accept my mistakes?
when will I learn to accept Your grace?

and if I was perfect well I wouldn't need mercy
and if I was perfect I wouldn't
need God - I wouldn't need God

when will I learn to accept my mistakes?
when will I learn to accept Your grace?
Your grace?
Your grace?

I think it might be my favorite song right now. Although, "Apron Full of Stains" is a pretty close second if for no other reason than the line "don't feel like I've got anything to give.....so I guess I've got nothin' to lose"

Envy

2008-10-09T21:19:00.003-04:00

So, I am envious of people that can decide what to do with their life and then just DO it. Or perhaps they have this amazing gift from God and they are able to turn it into a career that they love and one that glorifies God all at the same time. I have never felt like I am exceedingly good at anything. Some have told me that I have a "gift" with music. Honestly I don't really think I do/did. I just feel like I was good at following directions, when the composer wrote a specific instruction in the music, I simply did what the instructions said. I played "with emotion" because the composer WROTE them into the music. I like photography, I've taken some pretty good pictures I suppose, or have been told. But I'm not a good enough photographer to make a career out of it. None of my photos were ever good enough to sell. I really like to cook. So far, cooking is really the only "career" I've had in life. Not that working in a kitchen making $10/hour is really what I'd call a career. but I honestly don't know if I am a good enough cook to make a career out if this either. Basically I have the "jane of all trades" problem. I'm decent at quite a few things, but I don't excel at any of them. So yes, Miss Amazing Musician, Mr Outstanding Artist, Miss Always Wanted to Teach or be a Nurse or whatever! I envy you. College would have been so much easier (and shorter) if I had been one of these people. Trust me, you don't want to get rejected from the music dept, change your major to Elem Ed only to figure out that you don't want to be a teacher after one semester, audition again and get rejected again in the music dept, and then finally decided to major in Comm only because you have NO IDEA what else to do and you like messing with audio video stuff. Don't get me wrong, I loved all the AV classes I took. I loved the creativity of storyboarding, and shooting and editing. taking raw footage and creating a finished piece from it. It's great. BUT, it's really hard to get a job in the industry without lots of experience and it's hard to get experience unless you can get a job. So here I am.....college graduate, working a relatively dead-end job ( which I enjoy, don't get me wrong), making plans to go back to Africa and I have absolutely no earthly idea what I'm supposed to do next. phew! life is totally nuts

Why?

2008-10-09T20:09:00.002-04:00

So, why exactly do people blog? Why do I blog? For some it's like an online diary, for others it's less private, more like a way to share what's going on in their life with their friends or perfect strangers. So why? If you know me at all, then you know that I am NOT a share-er. I do not tell people my problems, or what's going on in my life to much extent. When someone asks me how I'm doing I usually reply with "fine" or "okay" even if I'm actually having a really bad day. But ultimately, everyone needs to vent and get all this crap out of their systems at times. So, I guess for me, it's so much easier to vent here in this blog. I don't know why it's easier, there are people that I see on a regular basis that read it, so it's not like what I say in here is a big secret. Maybe as I get older, I am starting to open up and share more about my life with people. I dunno. So, why do you Blog?

AFRICA!!

2008-10-08T19:34:00.003-04:00

So, I've been thinking about Africa a lot lately, as you probably know. I decided that I should put some pictures up here so that you call can see why I'm so excited about going back to Ghana.
Enjoy

Aren't you excited about Africa now too?

2008-10-07T21:32:00.003-04:00

I'm realizing lately, that I don't see myself accurately. The picture on the left is me, about 8 years ago. Since that picture was taken I've lost around 60lbs. The picture on the right is fairly current. I don't think I look much different now. I guess, I know that I must look different. I just don't see it. I need to learn how to see myself. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I don't know. I've just been thinking about it a little lately. How do you change the way you see yourself, after 20 years of seeing yourself the same way? Perplexing

pssshhhh

2008-10-07T17:50:00.001-04:00

so, today was a really difficult day for me at work. Not too sure why, I didn't have so much more to do than usual. It was just a lot of crap from a lot of people. I'll post more when I chill out a little more and get some dinner.

2008-10-05T17:29:00.002-04:00

I have officially received my first two donations for Ghana! How exciting is that. It's not a lot yet, but literally every single dollar counts. Even though there's A LOT of money left to raise, just knowing that I've officially gotten some money in for this cause has got me pumped up. I guess it says, there are people that believe, like I do, that I should go. Yeah, I'm psyched!

Mail Call

2008-10-05T00:22:00.002-04:00

So, when I get paid on Tuesday I have lots more support letters to send out. People that I go to church with or that I see in person on a regular basis got theirs hand delivered to them. So when I get some more $$ on Tuesday I can get the letters in the mail for those unlucky souls that don't get to see me on a regular basis (yeah, I'm kidding.) But anyway, I think once I get these out I'll have sent out around 60-70 letters, so if every single letter I sent comes back with $100 I'll be set. Yeah, just kidding again. I know that won't happen, but I know the money will come in. Finances are tough for everyone right now, so I'm just being hopeful that if people are able to give something to help me out, then God will show them that. I'm also praying that if there is anyone that I need to send a letter to, that I might have overlooked, then He'll show me that too. I'd really like to be able to leave before the end of the year.....but there's always a little voice telling me that 2 1/2 months isn't very long to raise 7 grand. I know it's the devil, but it still gets to me sometimes. I need to just learn to say "get behind me satan" but I guess I just forget sometimes. Like Peter when he was walking on the water...he was doing so well, and then he started to see the waves and the wind and he started doubting ya know...He was probably thinking to himself "wait a minute, I can't walk on water, am I really doing this?" and of course he really was doing it with God's help, but once a little tiny bit of doubt crept in he just started sinking. But even then, while he was sinking Jesus was right there to lift him up. So I need to just let got of this whole money thing. I'm sending out letters to everyone I can think of until I can't think of anyone else. God will do the rest. Whenever the right time for me to go is, the money will be there. I've been really busy at work lately too. I've worked around 16 hours of over time in the last two weeks. So my next paycheck will hopefully be enough to catch up on most of my bills and maybe get the oil changed in my car (it's been forever.) well, I'm pretty much out of anything interesting to say now.
later

walk like a man, talk like a man...

2008-10-04T09:33:00.002-04:00

so, today courtesy of my heinous allergies, I sound like a man when I talk. It started last night...after dinner service at work, I could barely talk. When I called my mom on the way home, the first thing she said when something like this; "good Lord, you sound horrible!" This morning when my boss called me, he said "whoa your voice is even deeper today than it was last night." Yes, thank you allergies, you have made me feel like crap for several days, and now I have a voice that could rival Isaac Hayes. On a good note, I don't feel quite as crappy today as I did when I woke up yesterday. I have to work today until around 5. We have a party at the restaurant and I'm basically making all the food for it on my own. Since no one else will be there, maybe I'll take some pictures of the food when I get done. Some of it won't be totally ready yet, since the party isn't until like 8p.m. and I'll be off around 5. Basically I'll just get everything to the last stage before you finish cooking it and when the boys get in the kitchen tonight they'll fire it right before the party.

For the record...

2008-10-03T13:17:00.002-04:00

I hate allergies!! When I woke up today I felt like crap. Seriously. I mean, yesterday I was a little stuffy, from allergies, but apparently last night while I was asleep the big one hit. I still feel like crap. I just took some medicine and I'm eating soup for lunch. I have to be at work in a few hours and I have to work a couple of hours tomorrow too. I hope my allergies or cold or whatever this mess is, goes away, in a hurry!

impatient

2008-10-02T22:12:00.001-04:00

Can I just say that I can't wait until enough money comes in for me to leave for Ghana....I wish I could leave tomorrow! Seriously. They really need more people over there RIGHT NOW and I really really hope & pray that the money comes in fast. I'm not exactly sure how fast God will send it though....I guess I'll have to just wait & see

Encouragement

2008-09-30T22:59:00.003-04:00

I have to admit, it's pretty cool how God uses people that you haven't talked to in a long time (years from some) to just encourage me about going to Ghana. I haven't gotten any money yet, but I'm excited already. yeah God's pretty much the most amazing thing since...well, ever.

sad

2008-09-27T23:45:00.003-04:00

So, it makes me sad when people that are close to me, like family, start talking about other races in a negative way.....it makes me sad to hear blanket statements applied to whole racial groups and to hear the "n word" coming out of certain people's mouths....makes me sad that some (a lot probably) Americans think that all middle easterners are terrorist...and they also think for some reason that those terrorists are also in Africa...(guess they don't know geography)..makes me sad that I have family members that really don't want me to go to Africa...to the point that they "jokingly" talk about trying to mess up my plan to go....yeah, not gonna stop me though.....in fact, it kind of makes me want to go even more, so that I can come back totally fired up and show them WHY people need to go.

2008-09-25T23:15:00.003-04:00

I'm in the process of getting together addresses for my support letters to go back to Ghana. I'm trying to decide if I should send letters to churches or people that didn't support me last time. I kind of figure that I should send them, I mean, who knows the reason for not supporting me the first time. Maybe there were financial reasons at the time, maybe they didn't feel passionate about the cause I don't know. Basically, I think that I should send out as many letters as possible. I've printed 50 up for now, I'm sure I will print more. I keep thinking, "oh, if I send out 100 letters and everyone donates $70 then I'm there!" but I know that isn't reasonable. It just doesn't work that way. I'm getting kind of excited/scared about the money. I'm scared that it will take a really long time to raise $7K, but I'm excited to see how fast God could send it in. I guess either way, the money will come in however God wants it to come in.

strange findings

2008-09-24T22:57:00.002-04:00

So, for the last few days I've been using this online program to sort of track what I eat. It's like an online food journal, but it calculates the nutritional info for you. Well, I put all my meals, snacks, water etc in, and for the last 3 days I've apparently eaten less than 800 calories a day. I have to fix that, I'm going to totally screw up my metabolism, if I haven't already.

I have to be AT work in 7 1/2 hours...yeah and I'm not really tired right now. that stinks.

I've been memorizing Philippians. I've got the first 11 verses down. It's not much, but it's a start. All the people I met in Africa put us to shame when it comes to scripture memory work. The little kids have chapters (yes CHAPTERS) of scripture committed to memory. It's important and I've been ignoring it all these years, other than at VBS when you get a prize for it. While I was in Ghana I just started thinking about it though, if I can memorize all these lines from movies (like LOTR) and all these songs, why not the Bible? So, yeah, I'm working on it now.

My head has started hurting at work the last 2 days in a row, I don't know if it's from lack of sleep or not eating enough, or stress....I guess I'll have to start taking better care of myself to find out.

2008-09-24T00:47:00.002-04:00

I've been having trouble sleeping for the last week or two...I just can't seem to slow my brain down at night. I lay there in my bed and I can't just zone out, for lack of a better way to put it. I think I'm letting some of the stresses of daily life combined with trying to get organized so I can go to Africa get me all worked up. I dunno.
I'm going to try to go to sleep now.

don't look back

2008-09-21T17:37:00.004-04:00

I gave out some of my support letters at church this morning. I guess it's real now, no looking back. I did realize after getting home from church that I didn't put any info in the letter about getting money to me, should anyone decide to donate. I suppose the people I go to church with can probably just give it to me when they see me. But now I need to make a little thing to put in the envelope with my address etc on it. I have so many emotions about going to Africa. I can't figure out if I'm happy, excited, scared, apprehensive, crazy. Probably at least a little bit of all of them. This morning we talked about "persecution and suffering among Christians." It made me a little bit sad, because we as American Christians think we're being persecuted when the media paints a picture of Christians as being naive and having blind faith. Or maybe we think that OUR suffering is more of a psychological thing, like, we are really suffering when someone thinks negatively about us or talks badly about us. So then we had a discussion of how mental/psychological persecution might be harder to recover from than physical persecution. While I agree that there are lots of ways to be persecuted psychologically and mentally, I really don't think most Americans have ANY idea of what real suffering is. Over in India right now, thousands of people, quite a few of whom are Christians, are having to HIDE IN THE JUNGLE!!, because Hindu extremists have been burning homes and churches to the ground trying to kill them. How's that for physical AND mental persecution. We as Americans don't have to worry that when we go to sleep at night some anti-Christian group is going to torch our house with us in it. It just makes me sad that we take our puny little "persecutions" and try to make them as bad as what the rest of the world is going through. This economic "crisis" we're going through right now, to me it's like, yeah welcome to how the rest of the world lives. Only even when we're in an economic downturn, we still are better off than almost the whole rest of the world. I guess that's enough ranting for now.

Confessions of a tortured youth

2008-09-16T21:12:00.003-04:00

I'm about to tell you something, that I've never told anyone, other than family. I HATE my weight. Hate is a strong word you might say....that's very true, but if you had been made fun of everyday for years and years or if you had ever been so embarrassed that it totally ruined your entire week. Maybe then you'd hate it too. If you knew what it was like to wake up every day and wish that you could just go away....all because some kids you go to school with think it's SO fun to humiliate you, then maybe you'd hate your body too. I have been so embarrassed by my weight over the years, from such a young age, I don't know if I can ever be "normal" it may not be an option for me any more. For some reason, tonight it's getting to me. I cannot TAKE THIS anymore. I've been trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember. When I was little, mom would try to convince me how "fun" Sweating to the Oldies was, but she never made me do it for more than a few minutes. No one ever made me eat right or exercise. It sounds like I'm blaming my parents for this...and I guess that I sometimes do blame them. Someone should have stepped up and shown me the right way to eat and exercise, but it's not like my family members are all healthy weights either. So here it is. I'm an adult, and if I truly want to get healthy, I have to do it myself. And no you don't "know how I feel", you probably never will. I don't know anyone, personally, that has been fat for nearly their entire life. For that matter, I know very very few people that have ever even been significantly overweight. I don't want your sympathy, I don't want you to feel bad for me. I just want to get this off my chest. I'm starting it up right now. I guess that's enough ranting for now.